To Speak or Hold My Piece (Peace)

I’ve recently run into a person on social media who has expressed an obvious displeasure with a group’s action.  Or perhaps I should say that I run into this daily and almost every time I gaze at the interwebs.  But this particular outburst and ruse to rouse other’s emotions has gotten me thinking for the past several days, which no doubt it was meant to do.  I can tell you I was not the only one affected, because of the stream of comments left in the wake of this update.  What I wanted to say was something to the effect of “why do you spread negativity about a group you are upset with?  Why don’t you go to them and offer your help and guidance, if you know so much about how they should be operating?”  Or better yet “why not focus on the good of what has come out of said groups actions and work to further it?”  Or something to that effect worded in the best way possible.

I chose not to reply for 2 reasons.  The first was because I was not in the mood to argue with someone who was prepared to fight for their comment.  Why else would they put such a thing on social media?  And the second was because in writing such a response would I not be in direct opposition to what I say I believe in?  In my initial responses I was upset because he was pointing out the negative and focusing on it and wanting other people to do the same.  In pointing out that negativity would I not be doing the same thing that had enraged me in the first place?

How has responding to negativity with negativity ever created the results that I’m after?  I see that my intentions would be to educate said person on their negativity and point them down the path to loving all people and making the world and better and more peaceful place.  All that considered; it seems to me to be a noble means of communication.  But I know that peace, love and truth were what this person was after, as well.  And I can tell you that our clash of perspectives would not be wisely discussed on social media in front of everyone and with the risk of misinterpretation that is so common with the written word.

However, it brings me to another point of internal debate.  When is it appropriate to take on that teaching role in any way other than that of living it?  What I am talking about comes directly from a quote that I grew up with in church and have kept with me past religion and into my every day and mystical life; “preach the gospel always, use words if necessary”.  When is it necessary to use words?  Is it that I am afraid of the conflict that would arise and the uncertainty of being heard and/or misunderstood?  Or is there really a place to point out people’s hypocrisy and double living?  I believe most people don’t want to live a double standard and would like to live closer and closer to truth.  I also believe that teachers have a great role in helping others to achieve what they are after.  However, who am I to say that I am a teacher? 

Hmm as I write this, I am becoming aware that my quandaries are in direct relation to my ideas surrounding my communication skills.  I have a hard time communicating with people in a way to make them understand what I’m talking about, especially when it comes to a perspective about life that others are not accustomed to or that what they think to be against what they believe.  When I start to see that my words are riddles to others I just give up and change the subject.  So often have I done this that I have resorted to keeping my mouth shut more and more as I watch the world around me and attempt to engage with it.  I say attempt because the more I keep my mouth shut the more I feel like an outsider looking in, an audience to a show, and a cloud to the bustling ground below.  In one hand it brings me peace.  Peace here being defined as a lack of conflict in my personal life.  On the other hand, I believe that all people are on their own journey and I trust in Devine providence to lead them where and how they are supposed to go.  It doesn’t matter what I see or what I think, only what God sees and what God thinks.  The universe is powerful enough to do whatever is appropriate and then therefore why should I bother?

Hmmm....  perhaps I will write more on this later.  I’m sure I could touch on other tangents that would shed light on my thoughts.  However, I’ve not time for that now.

Peace and love to you and may Truth always be your companion.

Wild-haired Mountain Lover meets the OC

Wow, Southen California.  Orange County to be exact.  I’ve gotten to the point that I can no longer say that I’ve “just moved here”.  I’m starting to see the people here as just people; they no longer look as if they belong on my tv screen instead of at my restaurant.  The Ferrari dealership no longer turns my head every time I pass it on my way to work.  Lamborghini’s still look like bat-mobiles, however, I expect to see them every now and again.  This is a long ways from the mountainous Colorado vistas and the fresh air that those forests provide.  Where work tears our clothes for us as opposed to a fashion designer.  Where dirt in your fingernails is valued and the smell of a healthy human body is not frowned upon. 

I’ve changed already, even though I’ve only been here for about 8 months.  The ocean breeze and California sun are my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning now.  I’m learning to hold my head high and keep my chest out.  I’m learning how to brush and style my hair into submission and it actually looks good most of the time.  I’m starting to feel empowered about who I am and that I don’t need to change anything about myself for people to like me.  I like wearing a bikini even though my body has a few more curves than that woman who just ran by with a six-pack and super toned arms and legs.  I like to be nice because I genuinely am and make people wonder what keeps me from being jaded.  And, I’m learning that I have the biggest problem with people who are full of themselves.... who knew?  I thought I loved everyone.  I thought I held a place of openness to anyone who wanted to be in or around my life.  How wrong I was.  I only have an openness for the underdog and the outsider and the humble adventurous types.  But when it comes to someone with too much money or too much religion I harden my mouth and steel my eyes and take my heart into the depths of me not to be abused.  I, in fact, am a little jaded... I’ve just learned to hide it well.

I feel as if I’ve been judged by them and have been found lacking.  I already know that I’m not perfect, as much as I would like to be, and I despise being reminded.  What a stretch this place is for me.  I now see that I also am playing judge and finding people lacking (lacking humility, which could be argued that that’s not a bad thing to judge... but still I am judging)... I don’t want to be someone who judges and deems people as not good enough.  Everyone has their own journeys to travel and everyone has their own lessons to learn.  And not one of us learns the same lessons in the same order as anyone else.  I am thankful for this place in that it has opened my eyes to my own prejudices and has given me a chance to grow my heart bigger to envelop more people.

I am directly choosing to challenge my prejudices by getting involved in a bible study, small group, type thing again.  I am going to go into the thick of my injuries about not measuring up and my goal is to find a place of acceptance for the religious people again.  To find an acceptance of people who may not accept me and who may tell me that I am not following God like I “should” be.  God help me.  I admit I am a little nervous about this idea.  But I feel like God is bringing me to it.  I’ve heard that sometimes in order to heal from something you must re-expose yourself to what wounded you in the first place.  In this case, it’s the “christian church” and here I go, re-exposing myself to it. 

In other news, I am having a hard time connecting with people here.  I feel exhausted here and don’t have the energy to find friends and community.  Sometimes I love hanging out by myself.  It gives me time to paint and read books and watch tv shows and movies.  God knows I have the longest running reading list ever.  But other times I feel very lonely and would love to have a group of people that I feel a part of and feel comfortable around.  Perhaps my church group will help with that eventually as soon as I get over myself and my nervousness.  Or perhaps I should just dive into my aloneness and take this opportunity to paint and create a painting series and see if I can get somewhere to display my artwork... that would make me feel like I accomplished something.

There are days when I can’t wait to leave and I want to pack up my things today... However, I have a lease that I will and must honor.  So I may as well learn to enjoy it here again.  Out of all the places I could be, this one ain’t too bad.

Ha.  As I am writing this I am sitting in the shade of giant umbrella with the sun warming my arms, a fountain playing water Olympics beside me, giant palm trees crowding the sky and birds chirping and scavenging for scraps and crumbs from under the tables.... it ain’t too bad here... it really isn’t. 

Dear God, Give me a new dream: the plea of a defeatist.

 Please take this burden from me.  I don’t want my heart to bleed anymore.  I don’t want to dream of being a family anymore.  I don’t want to dream of having children.  I don’t want to dream of having a lover and husband who will always be there for me.  I have watched my heart leap into reckless hope of a future only to be left sorely wanting.  Time and time again I see the men I love in some other woman’s arms.  I cry and I wonder what’s wrong with me that I can’t captivate him and that we aren’t meant for each other.  And I will myself to move on by telling my heart that there is someone out there for me. 

I look around me and see so many broken hearts.  I look around and see boys and bros and dudes posing as men.  Or maybe it’s that I see men when I wish to see knights in shining armor.  Either way, I don’t want what has been offered to me.  I’ve always wanted to find someone who will be on my side... someone that I can experience life with... someone to love and who will love me.  But everywhere I look I see brokenness.  So many men just up and walk away... and now that even includes my dad.  My poor mom.  She thought she found love and she thought she found truth and a life partner and ultimately she was deceived and abandoned.  And I am caught in the wake of being abandoned.  I only kept in touch with my dad through my mom before and now that they are separating what does that leave me with my relationship with my dad?  It gives me a daddy issue, that’s what.  No one wants to deal with daddy issues.  What hope does that leave me?  What am I setting myself up for?  All I want is a man’s chest to completely rest on and for him to tell me it’s ok to be me and hold me and kiss the top of my head... a man who loves me for me, not just for my pretty face or my sex.  Maybe that gives rise to my relationship issues... maybe I’ve never wanted a lover but a dad.  Shit, that sucks.  I don’t know how to swim through this... 

Pleeeeease God!  Give me a new dream.  Give me a loophole.  Give me something to hope for.  Give me some reason to keep on moving forward.  I’m feeling pretty alone and pointless right about now.  I realize I have put a lot of weight into being “something” for someone that I don’t realize my own worth outside of any and all relationship.  I see that.  But holy smokes, I don’t know how to change that. Transform my longing for family into a bigger picture or into a longing to only be with you.... something.  Please replace the pleas of my heart for a man to have and to hold until death do we part, with something more tangible.  I don’t want to risk it anymore.  I don’t want my heart to hurt like this anymore.  I’ve never felt such real pain in my chest before.  Please, God!  Have mercy on my heart.  My vision is blurry as I write through my tears as I beg you; give me a new desire.  Give me a new dream.  And please let it completely replace my yearning for partnership.  Replace my yearning for male attention... from a father figure or from a lover.  I don’t want it anymore.  If I can’t have it, please take it away.... please.  Please don’t be cruel with me.  Give me a new dream or take me away from this world so you can be the one to hold me. 

In all emotional sincerity,

Amen           

Happy Birthday, Self!

My life is wonderful.  My soul is satisfied.  My friends are so amazing!! (past and present)  My work is fun.  My house is nice.  My bed is finally comfortable after 2 months of backaches.  My room is cozy.  My hands finally got to do another reflexology session after too long of not practicing.  My church is real and I can relax there.  My energy work is growing along with my spiritual practices.  My days are full of smiles, sunshine, sand, yoga, surfing, and good people.  I am so incredibly happy here.  My heart is alive.  My energy levels are higher than I thought they ever would be.  Being happy gives me energy, who knew?

I am working at a nice restaurant in Newport Beach.  The people there are wonderful.  The costumers are pretty great too.  I work at a place that I am proud to be a part of.  I’m proud to serve the food that tastes so amazing and I’m proud to be serving alongside a team that is all about teamwork as we all look out for each other.  I feel so incredibly lucky and God blessed that I found this place and that I got hired here.

Karrah and I are starting to get to know each other better and better and working on communicating about the hard things.  We are so incredibly different and yet the same.  I am blessed to be living with such a wonderful, giving, strong, human being.

I used to not like the beach much because I didn’t like how the sand stuck to me uncomfortably.  But it’s starting to grow on me... ooo weird.  It’s not growing on me, I’m not becoming the sand man.  Lol  But I like it.  I used to like when my car got muddy from driving up a muddy mountain road, because it made me feel a part of nature; rugged and wild.  And I’m starting to feel a part of nature too when there’s sand layered inside my car and stuck to my feet and all through my clothes.

A seal swam by me the other day when I was swimming at the beach closest to my house.  Another day, I sat on my surfboard and watched the sparkling, shimmery fish move beneath the waves.  And another day watched a dolphin swim by the row of surfers just off shore as I soaked up the sun and watched the birds dare the ocean waves to catch them as they ran away from them.

The sunset the other day was one of most magical moments of my life out here.  The colors stretched all the way across the pre-rain clouded skies.  The best part was being able to share it with my new friend, Ryan, who enjoys sunsets about as much as I do.  Without being self-conscious, we both were able to FREAK out about the oranges, yellows, reds, blues, purples... it made us late to a glow in the dark yoga class because we had to take some pictures.

One of my co-workers just moved out here about the same time I did.  She’s from Montana and she’s quickly becoming one of my favorite people.  I can laugh so much with her and she’s very similar to how I am.  I attribute it to the fact that we are both mountain girls that grew up in the “fly over states”.  There’s something special about mountain people!

I spent the night last week at Joshua Tree with Naomi and Jeremy and they were wonderful enough to let me climb a route with them before I had to go home.  Joshua Tree is so close to my house and such a wonderfully amazing desert wonderland.  The rock formations are scattered across the land like a giant playground for adults.  I felt like a lizard climbing all around on the sticky rocks.  

Sometimes I get very lonely out here.  I am making friends and staying busy doing the things I choose to do.  But my heart still aches sometimes.  It’s ok.  It’s ok to be sad sometimes and it’s ok to feel alone in the middle of a crowd.  However, I’ve had an epiphany.  It goes something like this.... “what if every time I think I’m lonely for someone’s company, I’m really just lonely for myself and/or lonely for God?”  I’ve started using my loneliness to indicate when I need to be more of an introvert and spend some time meditating, praying, painting, walking, or sitting and watching the sunrise light up this beautiful place that I’ve found to live.  The results are wonderful. 

This move has been scary for me.  I have felt many times that I wouldn’t be able to do this, that I was being stupid, that people would take advantage of how nice, giving and compassionate I am.  I have felt too many times to count that I wouldn’t be able to afford life, that I wouldn’t have enough money.  But you know... one of my life mottos has always been “go big or go home”!  And sometimes you have to risk it all to gain it all. 

Underneath every worry I’ve ever had I have the comfort in knowing that I am following my path and following God and that, because I am, I will be ok, no matter what... even when I fail, I will be ok. 

My birthday is next week.  And if I could have one birthday wish, it would be a place to practice Reiki Reflexology and classes to learn more about alternative healing.  I haven’t seemed to find anything yet, but I will.  I know that I honestly can’t go long without doing my passion, even if it’s giving it away.  I was born to do this.

Hmmm the ocean breeze in my hair, the sticky salt on my skin, the sun warming my heart and friends with whom to crack a smile.  This is home for the next year of my life.  Happy birthday, self! 

First day of surfing!

Remember that poem I wrote a couple blogs back?

It was kinda like that.  Except this time I had a surf board to manage too.  lol  I couldn't even sit on it very well!

I did paddle out past the waves though, but I think I cheated by waiting for the set to pass.  (The waves come in sets, and then there's a slight lull, who knew???)  It was still challenging to get out there though.  Jason said the waves were fairly big and to not ride the bigger ones.  So I avoided those like the plague.  (freaky)

As I was wriggling around trying to stay balanced I decided it was now or never.  So I turned my board and pointed it toward shore, got on my belly and started paddling.  The first 3 waves ran right under me despite my efforts.  But the 4th!!  WOO!  I rode that one on my belly, it was like body-surfing but WAY better!  I rode it almost all the way to the shore before I decided maybe it was good to get off the board before I broke the fins off of it.  lol

I decided to go back out and try some duck dives.... pshhhh yeah right.  How in the world do those work?  I dove under the wave just enough to get knocked off the board and swirled around a ton.  I tried a couple more times and then gave up.  Maybe I'm not diving deep enough?? I'll have to look up some tutorials online or something.

After getting tumbled a few times I decided to ditch the board and get acquainted with the sea.  Just the sea 'n me!  That was fun but oh my gosh.  Those waves crash over you and then tumble you and the current under them is doing something else and then there's another wave that crashes before you even get spit up from the last one.  Best thing to do is just no panic... apparently.

I plugged my nose once because that's my safety blanket in the water.  I got knocked under without grabbing a breath and then was held under longer than I wanted. So I pinched my nose shut.  But I pinched it too hard and my nose ring made my nose bleed.  Great!  Now I've done it, I'm gonna attract all the sharks!!  Time to get out.

It was a great first time, I wanna go again.  Maybe when the waves are a little less brutal.  Someday though this will be me:

www.surfgirlmag.com

In other news:  I got the job I wanted!!  I'm going to be a server at R + D Kitchen in Newport Beach! I'm stoked!  I gotta do my make-up and hair everyday though.  As my brother said, this jobs gonna make a lady out of me ;)

I'll trade traffic for the beach, please!

Good morning!

Sunrise was awesome... I was too groggy to think about taking pictures... so here's a pic with the sun blaring instead!

This is the bay near the beach where we went.

Woke up at 5:55 and headed to the "wedge".

They call it the wedge because of the way the land makes the surf come in.  It lends itself to waves that run diagonal to the beach.

There is a storm off the coast of mexico that is sending some good surf up our way... or perhaps scary surf is more like it!  :P

This picture isn't the greatest quality but that's what I get for having an ancient, nearly-dumb phone lol

I spent a couple hours exploring the beach areas and the places to surf.  The wedge was so cool.  There were a lot of people out to watch the guys drop in on some fairly big surf.  I'm sure it's not the biggest but it was the biggest I've seen, which isn't saying much since I grew up in a land locked state.  haha

This was my first "surfing lesson".  If I'm going to learn how to surf I gotta know what I'm getting myself into and what this even looks like in person rather than on tv or cartoons, like "Rocket Power"!

I learned to be able to hang with the guys on my snowboard.  I learned to hang with the guys in the weight room.  And I think I'm gonna try to learn to hang with the guys in the ocean too...

There are no girls out there as far as I could tell, and believe me, I was looking.

I've decided to look at places to live in Huntington Beach as opposed to LA.  I'm trading the traffic for the beach.

I'm loving this idea.  It will be like I live in perma-vacation.  You all will have to come and visit me.

We have just filled out an application for our 3rd place.  You know what they say, the 3rd times the charm.  This townhouse is located a mile from the beach and about the same to downtown.  It's a beautiful place, keep your fingers crossed for us!

Much love,

Signing off!

Again I gain

Big fish in a small pond

A big fish isn’t so big as the pond grows

And I’m not even a fish!

I'm just this kid standing on a phone booth 

I feel like I’m swimming

In the ocean

And I haven’t gotten the hang of it yet

Wave comes

I’m ready

Jump over

Got this!

I walk into the water further

These waves aren’t that big

Crash!

Where’d that wave come from

Strike!

I am bowled over

All my pins fell over with that one

I stand up on the sand beneath me

And shake myself off

Blow out the bits of water that crawled into my nose

Here comes another wave

I jump and let the water break over my belly

Laughing, I decide to go out into the water a little further

The water feels so good.

It’s so refreshing.
This ocean thing is something that I’m not used to

I needed to mix up my life.

I needed to be refreshed

I needed something new

I’m ready for the challenge of change

Another wave comes

I dive under

I’m in the same place I was just moments before

Now I can’t touch

I dip my nose into the water as my toe reaches for the unreachable sand

Salt water finds the void of my nostrils and rushes in

Salt water in my brain

I move my limbs to bring me above the surface again

Another wave comes

I haven’t snorted the water out of my nose yet

Do I go under or over this one?

Too late

It crashes over me and knocks me sideways

No wonder that little girl was crying when her older brother picked her up and carried her into the waves.

She tried to run back to shore before the wave got her but it was too late

It knocked her over too.

They are big and strong

They demand respect

They are not gentle with you as you learn

They do their thing regardless of whether you can breathe or not

Move or be moved

Use or be used

Another wave comes, I smile

I am determined not to be moved... too much....

The swell doesn’t break where I am

I smile.  Smugly

But the wave behind it crashes unto me before my mouth can fully form my smug smile

Again I am knocked over and spin in the wave

I feel like a shirt in the washer machine

I watch myself tumble until I am disoriented and full of sand

I barely have my wits about me

And another wave comes

This time I’m determined to use this wave

I start swimming as the wave breaks and it takes me to shore

Sand everywhere

In my swimsuit

I stand up and my girls are about to pop out of my bikini top

But at least now I can snort the water out of my nose and shake it out of my ears

I fix my suit and shake the sand and water off

My back is to the ocean

Another wave, bigger than I think it should be, hits the back of my knees

As if to say “you gotta watch your back out here, girl!”

I stumble forward a few steps

My eyes are burning from salt water

Is it tears or ocean?

Either way, I think I need to sleep

I spread out my towel over the sand and lay down

I drift into sleep

Ocean wave and children giggle lullaby

Sun blanket

Sand mattress

Arm pillow

I sleep for a while and then turn over

It’s a good thing I remembered to put on sunscreen

I do have a brain and I do know how to use it sometimes

Refreshed by sleep and vitamin D

I stand up and look at the waves again

Time to dive back in?

What is my goal?

Do I want to swim or just get wet to cool off?

Do I want to play with the waves or go out beyond them?

Do I want to find a surfboard and ride them?

Do I want to let the wave play at my feet where I am bigger than them?

These things are good to know.

What do I want?

Or do I want to just sit on the beach and read a book or sketch a picture?

I think I’ll do that.

For a while

Then I’ll get back in the water when I have the energy to deal with the waves and the purpose to play with the waves, whichever I decide.

I move my towel under an umbrella

And pull out my book and settle in to read

But instead I set my pencils next to me and decide to draw a picture of my new world

It’s really quite beautiful

It’s painful, yes.

It’s hard, yes.

It’s new and I don’t know what I’m doing... yet, yes.

But really out on the horizon, the blue water

Dancing with the golden rays of the sun

And closer to me, the white water laughing and bubbling high into the air

Just to crash back down into a whirl of giggling happy children

Seagulls squawk and bounce down the beach looking for food

Sandcastles tumble into the sea

And the colors!

At sunset

Pinks, Purples, Oranges, Yellows,

Blues, Whites and Greens in the water

Blues and Whites in the sky

Golds in the sunshine and sand

All Splashed with the hues of humanity.

It’s beautiful

And yet I cry because it’s hard

And yet I shake because I’m nervous

And yet I have a headache because I’m so stressed.

However, Also:

I cry because it’s beautiful

I shake because I’m excited

I have a headache because I laughed too hard

Take a breath

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try, again and again.

And again

Yet again

Again

A gain

Another gain

Again

A gain

Again I gain.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Santa Monica Pier at night