Go big or Go home!

Sometimes the first plan is the best one.  I had the idea of traveling up or down the west coast until I found a place to live and if I didn't find anything I would end up in Portland or LA.

A couple days after I got back to Colorado I was looking into moving to California.  One of my friends is being relocated out to LA.  So I decided to check out the job market.  I found an awesome family owned coffee shop in West Hollywood almost right away.  The job add sounded fantastic.  They were looking for someone with the right attitude and who would fit in.  They said they liked to laugh and have a good time but get their work done right and well.  They wanted someone who could do some latte art too and were willing to train someone to do latte art. .....!!!!

I had just finished remaking my barista resume earlier that day actually.  So all I had to do was write a cover letter.  With the help and encouragement of my wonderful mother, I got it done.  Then I got nervous about sending it in.  My mom said, "well the worst that can happen is that you get offered the job, and then you don't HAVE to take it if you don't want to."

Right.  Big breath... yeah why not?  I love Colorado but I gotta take a risk, I gotta leap and I gotta go find some adventures.  I had such a wonderful time in Colorado.  I almost wanted to stay.  There are so many people that I love and admire and who love and support me.  However, I knew that if I stayed I would grow restless again.  I got the opportunity to see almost everyone and bliss out on their company.  I was able to hunt mushrooms with Logan (one of my favorite things to do with him).  I hung out with my parents and watched the pro bikers race by and then went water bottle hunting afterwards.  I ate fresh, local, organic peaches soaked in cream.  And I made a peach raspberry pie to bring to a picnic at the park during a Pickin' in the Park concert!  All my favorite fall things.  I am completely happy with my time spent back home.

I sent in my resume and cover letter, and got a call back from the guy and we set up an interview for Sunday afternoon at 230.... in LA!!  I got that call Friday.  I packed up my car Saturday morning and started my drive to the coast.  I felt (and still feel) a little crazy.  I got nervous again.  And again my mom said just the right thing... "mom!  What if I don't get the job and I drive all the way out there for it??"  "Well," she said, "then print out some resumes and try to find something else, visit your friends, go to the beach and if all falls through then come home again."  ... ok, no big deal.  I can do that.

So I left my parents house with some new windshield wipers (because it was raining, Colorado cried as I left) and a car full of clothes, bedding and books.

As soon as I got to Utah it cleared up and even the rocks started pointing me west.

And the sun romanced me with beautiful rays and later sunsets.

I stopped in Las Vegas and stayed with a good friend from high school.  Then got up in the morning and had another nervous attack.  I didn't have a place to stay Sunday night and I felt SO-not classy after going out in Vegas the night before.  Everyone had perfectly cute and chic dresses on that were set off by a pair of heels.  Their hair was movie-star curled and makeup was caked on and perfect.  YIKES!  I so can not hang.  I was wearing flip-flops made of recycled materials and a dress I got from a clothing exchange.  I had only eye-liner and mascara on and my hair was in a low messy bun... wow.

I could see the shimmer of my eye-shadow in the reflection of my sunglasses as the morning sun hit my face.  My car was pointing west and I forbade myself to cry because then I would have to redo my makeup for my interview.  I was scared as I headed down a road I had never been down before.  I was scared when the only certainty in my life was uncertainty.  But I wasn't about to let that stop me, though it did slow me down some.  I talked to a couple friends sniffed up the tears trying to escape through my nose and pushed on the gas.

I got to the outter out skirts of LA and stopped at a shopping center to figure out where I was and where I was going.  I decided LA is like a can-can dancer.  LA is the body and then there are layers and layers of "skirts" and "out skirts".

I got to my interview with an hour to explore the area.  It seems cool.  Then I had my interview.  Oh my gosh!  The cafe is absolutely amazing!  Their coffee is wonderful and the people are even better.  It's a cozy little place right off sunset blvd and they say about 80% of the costumers are regulars or locals.  They also have house made chai and house made GELATO!!  This is where I want to work.  We talked and joked and I made a latte on their machine.  I attempted some latte art... but steaming the milk at sea level and with a different steamwand didn't do me any favors.  Despite my failed latte art attempts, he called me back today and asked me to come in for some more training and a trial run on Thursday!!!  :D

So today I spent about 9 hours on my computer looking into housing options, neighborhoods and different jobs and spas and ways I can do reflexology here in the city.  Tomorrow I will drive around and look at a few places and check out a couple real estate offices.

I go from being scared to be so excited and happy.  I feel alive.  I can be scared and I can still get a job and find a house and learn how I can do reflexology here.  I have amazing friends and amazing people who are praying for me and sending me love and support.  I'm willing to risk failure and I'm willing to fail a couple times as I figure my life out.  With the biggest risks come the biggest rewards.

Go big or go home!

Colorado Sunsets are the Best

I came back to the North Fork Valley to get my car.

I woke up Sunday morning at the Blues Event and thought to myself, "I am going to find a ride back to colorado today".  There are multiple reasons as to why I decided that I wanted my car.  A few being; I'm not going to travel out of country right now, I'm wanting to explore and find a new place to start my life, I knew somewhere deep down that I should have brought my car with me from the beginning, I am able to be freer, I feel at home in my car.... etc.

I was weighing all my options and all of them almost worked... they would have worked had I had my car with me.  So, the natural decision was... go get it!  However, I didn't want to take a leisurely long-ass time to get back to colorado.  So I looked into flying.  Last minute flights aren't the way to go...  they were 3 times the amount it cost me to get out to seattle.  So I decided on the necessary evil of driving, despite however long it would take.

So I walked down the hill from my tent and ran into some friends from Paonia.  I hadn't yet seen them.  I chatted with them for a bit and then they said they had to hit the road because they had to get the rental car back to Grand Junction by Monday....

Without barely thinking, I asked them if I could catch a ride with them.

All around amazing.  I got a ride back to Colorado, for the same amount as it took me to get out there.  We didn't dily-daly.  I had great company for conversations french-braiding-lessons, movie watching, sleeping, and reading.  And I now have my car.  :)

Colorado welcomed me home with an amazing sunset to match the amazing sunrise it sent me off with 3 weeks ago...

I spent the last day hanging out with my parents and catching up with a few friends.  I struggle with the idea that I failed at what I said I would do.  But I remind myself that failure is the road to success, therefore failure isn't a bad thing.  I also remind myself that it's ok to change my mind and choose to take a different route in my life.  Besides!  It's my life to live, my live to love, my life to choose and I can live it however I deem worthy.  And that's what I'm going to do.  <3

Patience is a virtue.... so they say.

I'm in a little tavern about a mile down the road from the Lookout Arts Query.  I feel as if I am in a totally different world here.... because I am.  One mile down the road the forest is alive with friendly, dancing, hippy, building, fun-loving people milling around doing what they do.  A dome was errected today near our epic outdoor kitchen where I climbed about 20ft off the ground to tether tarps for shade and rain protection.  We are planning on hanging a net in the top of our dome for cuddling and a makeshift dance floor below so we can dance under worn out, cuddling dancers and the stars.  There is a swimming hole on the other side of the road where people swim with the giant bullfrog tadpoles and jump off the 40 (ish) foot cliff to their delight (my terror).  Down the road is a warehouse with a springy dance floor that we dance in by night and the Query Folk do ariel silks by day.  Up the road is where my tent is.  It is placed next to a hammock which is strung 2 feet from a cliff edge over looking the swimming hole about 100 feet below.

And here I am in a tavern, internet, beer (so lovely), turkey and mashed potatos, a big screen tv airing a football game and me.  Not as magical.  But feels good to go for a walk and do a little introspection.

I am not going to Central America... have I said that yet in my blogs??  (i'm too lazy to go check right now)

So I'm trying to figure out what to do now.  The Northwest Blues Recess ends in about 3 days and I'm not sure what I'm going to do then.  I bought a one-way ticket to Seattle thinking I would be heading to C.A. from here.  So I have no car, no plans, and no idea as to what I want to do.  If nothing turns up in the next couple of days, then I will find a way back to Colorado and retrieve my car and figure out what to do from there.  I would like to travel still. But I don't want to deplete my savings.  Perhaps I'll find a job in another country or maybe I'll join peace corps.  Or who knows.

What I do know:
I want to be making money.
I want to work as a healer.
I want to follow Creator.
I want to learn more about healing.
I want people I love around me.
I don't want to be in western Colorado any more than I absolutely have to.
I want to learn aerial silks.
I want to create a life that I'm thrilled about.

Patience.  Patience is a virtue.  I sure hope so, because I am constantly reminding myself to take deep breathes and let go of the need to know what's going to happen.

View from the hammock on the edge :)  There is a floating dance floor down in the query.

Lessons Learned (In the last 2 weeks)

1. If i can keep detached from my hopes, expectations and dreams, then I am much happier with the way things turn out.

2. If I keep detached from my hopes, expectations and dreams, then my heart is closed.

3. If my heart is closed then I am cold and distant from people I love and from things I care about... On the one hand, it's nice.  I still enjoy everything to a certain extent and it's safer to play for my dreams because I don't really care if I get them or not.  One the other hand, I feel so numb and disconnected, and as if my heart doesn't exist at all.

4. Some people communicate so differently than what I am used to, specifically with the people they say they love and care about the most.  It is common for them to snap at and not listen/interrupt the people they care most about.  However, when with a complete stranger, they always smile and listen without interjecting.  That's confusing to me... (I have theories, but I'll save that for another time when I'm not as hurt by it and therefore can talk about it with an unbiased and unscathed perspective)

5.  I am craving physical touch that is in no way sexual.  I see that I am seeking that touch because I didn't get it when i was young, especially from my father.  I see that every man that I pursue or allow to pursue me, I am looking to heal that part of my past/heart.  I also see that men are not the ones that will heal it.  In fact, they most likely will re-traumatize that part of my heart over and over again.  I say this because that has been my heartbreaking pattern.  And I am now aware that I am the only one with the power to heal that hurt place in my heart, by letting the ultimate healer into my deepest desires and wounds and doing the work.

6.  People change depending on their surroundings and circumstances.  That's just how it is.  And it is good to see how people change to get a fuller picture of who they really are.

7.  People are so afraid of looking into their own pain and faults that they, therefore, would rather spend their time pointing out the pain and faults in others... and that doesn't mean that I have more pain and faults than the people around me.  It just means that I am being used as a scapegoat.  And that's ok.

8.  The more I realize that humanity shares predominately the same pain as I do... that it's not "my" pain, it's "the" pain, the more I have compassion and the more I want to be of service to the world.  Because as I work to heal others, then I, in turn, am healing myself.

9.  I value doing what I say and saying what I'll do.  And I lose respect for people who don't value that as well.

10. It's not wise to travel where the universe is not pointing me to.

11.  I am happiest when I can be helpful to others.  It gives me a purpose to my life.

12.  My consideration for others and my desires to be around the ones I care about can be perceived as "clingy", "needy", "insecure", "immature" and "codependent".  ... this one I'm not sure about.  It's making me stop and think.  Multiple people have told me the same thing, so I am deducting now that there must be some truth in it somewhere.  I don't see it yet, because from my perspective I am just loving, being considerate, respectful and fully enjoying their company.  But I hope I do see it and that can be changed.  Because I would much rather my intentions be perceived rather than what is being perceived right now.

13.  There is a spiritual realm.  There are spirits in pursuit of creation.  There are spirits in pursuit of destruction.  When I come in conflict with the spirits of destruction I can feel it, and sometimes they get really nasty with me.

14.  My network of friends, family, and supporters is one of the most amazing and valuable things in my life.  Thank you all for being there for me and loving me and telling me the hard things even when I make you feel bad for doing so.  I am so fortunate to have people in my lie that care about me.  <3

Ice Queen vs Fairyland Magic

It's time for another mesh of words to come pouring from my finger tips.  My life is a mixture of emotions and a sea of uncertainty.  I don't know what else to say.

I realize the power of choice.  No matter what happens I can choose how I see it, I can choose how I react to it.
That's what life is.

Plans altering
love aching
head dizzy
uncertainty looming
anger seething
dice rolling
heart bleeding
knives misbehaving
smile beaming
eggshells cracking
words faltering
worlds clashing
laughter spilling
feet dancing
suns setting
colors spilling
people milling
streets full
life full

Helping people matters.
What is life other than to be there for others and let others be there for you?

I fight the temptation to run and hide.  To live away from drama and to live away from people, who are more often than not, in my opinion, crazy.  To build myself a palace of ice with a mote of shards of deadly ice to keep others out.

I'm loyal to a fault.
I'm "too nice".
I only see the good in people.
And my skin is too thin.

.... I don't know how I've managed to stay so fairy-tail-esque for so long.  I choose to believe in the magic.


.... I must.

Time to Start my Exploration

It’s time.  Time for what?  Time to go.  Go where?  You'll see.  I’m still waiting on that answer and I’m already on the move and in Seattle.

I live my life following the path that is set before me by creator, my guide, my husband.  A couple months ago I was told during meditation and prayer that I need to start saving my money.  No matter how much I asked, I didn’t get anything more.  That’s all I knew, so I started saving. 

Then a little while later, I heard I was leaving at the end of July.  Where?  I asked.  Again, nothing.  All I knew was that I was supposed to go.

As time got closer to the end of July, I quit my 3 jobs and started giving away my things.  My goal was to get everything I owned to fit in my car.  That way when I decide to move someday in the future, it’ll be easier to do it.  (Except for my oak desk.  I love that thing and my parents are willing to help me out by letting it live at their house until further notice.)    I started going through my belongings and got rid of things that I didn’t absolutely love or need.  And then I made sure to get rid of the things that were attached to my past, for example, all the things my ex-boyfriends ever gave me and old manifestation paintings.  It felt good to down size so much.  However, it was an emotional ride for me.  I didn’t realize how attached I was to my things until I started going through them like a room full of prisoners, recklessly deciding who was going to die and who got to see the light of another day.  I felt like I was killing pieces of myself.  And in fact, I probably was, which is one of the reasons why I needed to do it.  This is a time for new beginnings.  A time to drop my baggage and fly … they’re charging for carry-ons now anyway.  haha  So, after many hours carefully going through my things like an executioner, I succeeded.  It might be a tighter squeeze into my car than I originally thought but it will all fit.

So again… where am I going?  Well, I have one target in mind that is a for sure thing.  The rest is still to be determined.  But I have ideas. 

My first stop on my travels is Seattle.  I’m here visiting a friend that I may be traveling with for a while.  We’re thinking Central America.  Though we’re both not sure we want to travel with each other yet.  Because we both would like to travel by ourselves.  Can you travel by yourself and with a partner at the same time?  I’m starting to wonder…  Anyway, I’m here to hang out with him and decide what we’re doing and perhaps make travel plans before I head to my next stop. 

My next stop is Bellingham WA.  There’s a partner dance event that I’m stoked to be attending and it is taking place in an old rock query turned circus playground.  There’s a swimming hole, art installments, juggling, aerial silks and dancing… lots of dancing!  I’m not sure how I’m going to get there yet, nor where to stay while “camping”.  But I do know it will work out.

After that is when things aren’t set in stone... not even sand yet. Haha.  My patience and trust are being tested.  I freak out and my guide says, “Do you trust me?  Do you trust yourself, Erica?”  I forget to trust sometimes.  Sometimes when I freak out and Creator puts something amazing in my path to assure me I’ll be alright.  I like it when that happens.

So now I’m in Seattle.  I visited the UW campus and went canoeing and swimming in the lake with Ray when I got here.  I met his family and my host.  I got acupuncture done for the first time ever.  WOW!  It was amazing.  I could feel my energy shift with the first needle.  I may just have to learn to be a practitioner someday… at least I’m thinking about it now.  I'm hanging out and recharging after a hectic time getting out here.

I am excited to see what else will happen.  I know that whatever comes up I will know what to do as long as I take the time to stop and listen and follow.  I was told that I would face hard times and that I must proceed with care.  And that’s what I will do. 

I have been facing roadblocks recently as I try to make plans.  It’s either not time to make plans yet or I am supposed to make other plans.  I’m not sure yet.  I will know when I need to know.  And when I do, I'll let you know too :)

Break. Free.

Hiding from the masses

Afraid of distastas

Hiding in the mix of pillows, sheets and skin.

Hoping I can mask this

Frail human task list

Hoping no one asks to look in.

I’m scared shitless

I’m freaked the fuck out

I’ve created a shit list

So I can begin to back out

We live out lives with the purpose of avoiding pain

Fearfully we’re seeking comfort, security, and gain

Don’t risk it! they say

Don’t fall off the cliff; don’t even think about jumping

Jump!

The wind in your hair,

Life then caresses your skin so fair

Breathless and free

Jumping off a cliff near the sea

Picture perfect and serene

Is it worth the risk to be free?

The sun setting on the edge of the earth

Staining the sky in deep gold, yellow and red

You’re so close to being dead

You’re falling close enough to taste the meaning of life.

Close to death makes life more bright.

But don’t risk it, they say.

Well, I say....

They’re scared shitless too.

But Why?

Why is it that to live is advised against?

Why is it that we allow ourselves to be forced to live in this false pretense?

Why is it that to love is to kiss the pitchfork of death?

Why is it that to risk success you’ll be devoured by wolves?

Why is it that in order to break free, I must break first?

Break.

Break. 

Snap. 

Crack.

Break.  Fall.  Splat.

Break. 

Break. 

Free?

And see

The real me

If I don’t first break

Free

Is that what scares me?

Me?

Me scares me.

Is that why I’m freaked the fuck out?

A grand adventure awaits

I’m choosing to live one of my dreams

I’m choosing to do it now and not to wait

For the perfect scenario to make it all seem...

Safe.

I’m stepping out in faith

That’s the purpose of the wedding band

On my left hand...

You know...

It serves as my reminder

I bought myself my wedding ring

Last July as a symbol of one main thing.

I was saving my money because I was afraid of being broke

I was desperate to marry because I was afraid I couldn’t cope

I needed a man to be my brains, money, comfort and hope

God told me to spend my money on a wedding ring

Do you trust me?  He says...

Do you trust that I am the one to take care of you?

The way you want a man to?

Yes, I said.

Then spend half your money on a wedding band

Become my queen

And I’ll give you everything.

So I did.

Now I choose to live as my ring states I believe...

That’s what gets me.

Live life in the fast lane.

On the edge of disasters

And then move even faster.

You may call it stupid

You may call me too risky

But I’m going to do it

And I’m going to be frisky

You can say I’m dumb

But this is what I call freedom

I’m choosing to jump!

I’ll jump off the cliff and land in the sea

I’m looking at the beauty and learning to love ME

I’m learning to shirk my umbrella and dance in the rain.

I’m choosing love lost is also love gained

I’m kissing the pitchfork and embracing the siege

I’m lying with the wolves and listening to them breathe

I’ve dared to dream

I’ve dared to scheme

I’ve dared to believe there’s more to life than just me.

So here I go.

I’m choosing to live out my dreams one dream at a time.

One jump at a time

Here I go

One break... and freedom’s mine!