What’s beneath the dress and tiara?

... an awesome pair of blue tie-dye pants and some underwear, of course.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about what’s under the dress; under the smiles; under the laughter.

I had been planning my snow princess outfit for about 2 weeks now, as soon as I knew I could dress up for work.  I was excited about it.  But I was not completely convinced in myself that I really wanted to do it.  That morning as I was driving up to work, with my makeup and hair done, I was freaking out.  I was afraid that people wouldn’t like it, or that it wouldn’t be professional enough.  I was afraid that Luke, my boss, was going to come out of his office and tell me that I crossed the line.  I even brought a change of clothes, just in case.  But even more, I was afraid that I wouldn’t have the energy to be the center of attention for a whole day.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t know what to say and that I would be tired and/or depressed.   No one wants a depressed princess.

This time of year is really hard for me.  November and December are the two months that I look forward to the least.  Most of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through happened in one of those two months and I dread the idea that anything else could happen.  I have low energy and I am easily depressed, I don’t want to go out or socialize or even cook for myself.  I want to be like the animals and trees.  I want to retreat into my “roots” and sleep a lot.  Blending into society and keeping up with everyone is near impossible for me.  I struggle. 

This is the season of celebrations, there are so many!  The last few are my favorite.  I celebrate Solstice because the days are not getting darker anymore.  Solstice is the beginning of brightness returning.  That makes me really hopeful.  I celebrate New Years because December is finally over. 

I have been working on bringing light to others and myself during this time of darkness.  I’ve found a balance of the only two things that work as a weapon against depression.  If I rest enough and use the energy I do have to bring joy to others, then joy bounces directly back to me.  And it’s a joy that I don’t have to cling to because it clings to me. 

Once I got to Powderhorn and I was fully dressed as a princess, the joy that spread was epic.  Luke walked out of his office with the biggest grin and a high five.  Some people laughed out loud, while others were confused (haha) but still the sight of my costume spread a huge smile across their face.  I was on cloud 9 all day!  I didn’t even have to try to “be” happy, I just was!!  :)