Some Mental Chatter

Oh woah is me.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I feel stuck in Paonia.  But I don’t know where else I want to be or what I want to do...  Oh woah is me.  I am single and feeling lonely.  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry (though I don’t know quite how to ever express my anger). .. oh woah is me!  I think I am doing something wrong or else I would know how to do relationships, right?  I fight the belief that because I’m not a virgin that I won’t find someone who will treasure me.  I was told that being a virgin was the best gift I could give to my husband... welp I don’t have that gift anymore.  I gave it away on a drunken night to a guy I hardly even knew.... :(  Oh woah is me!!!

Oh Sheisa.... you ever have one of those mental wars with yourself where all you keep thinking is how much of a failure you are and yet at the same time you think “no that’s not true... at least that’s what everyone tells me, and besides all people have some value right?”...  Goodness!  Ugh!  That’s where I am right now. 

I am deciding that I’m just going to let myself be angry and sad and throw myself a pity party and then yell at God and then yell at myself and then yell at anyone else that I decide needs a good scolding, as opposed to telling myself that all things work together for good and God can turn everything around and use it to help others, at least this will increase my empathy and I really am worth something or else I wouldn’t have been born.....

........yada yada yada...........

......Sometimes I think I use my optimism to suppress my emotions.....  I don’t like that... well in all honesty I must like that because I do it.  But when I think about it and the effects that it has in my life, then I don’t like it.  When people “swallow” their emotions... they do just that!  Their emotions go into their stomach.  Then I wonder why I have digestive problems.  I don’t let myself feel anger if I can help it.  And most of the time I can help it.  So I swallow my anger and then it manifests itself in anxiety instead... and the anxiety lives in my stomach and when I eat when I’m anxious then I get indigestion.  Bummer dude!  Interesting enough anger is a fire emotion and the center for fire is right around your stomach area (or your 3^rd chakra) and you need fire to digest your food.  So without fire (like anger) you have a hard time digesting your food.  Hm.  I renounce the vow that “I will never be angry”.  I’m sorry for making a vow that is harmful to me and to others.  I choose to feel anger and I choose to learn how to properly feel it and work with and through it in an honoring way... honoring to myself and true to my feelings as well as honoring to those around me.

I chose to honor what’s going on for me and I chose to not hide it.  I chose to ask for support and know what that looks like so that I can ask specifically for the things I need.

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stay tuned for an emotional rant of some sort

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that will have to wait til after I sleep some.... I’m too tired right now... then again maybe lack of sleep would aid my emotions.  LOL

COMPLETE SIDE NOT AND TOTALLY UNRELATED!!  This is what I think I would look like if I was a creature from Pan's Labrinth.... which is one of the cooler movies on my top movies list.... I can't decide if I would be innocently evil or a really cool fairy thing...  Maybe I'd even have wings...  Have you ever sen Pan's Labrinth?  You should see it, if not :)