I love working at my coffee shop

I woke up this morning so groggy.  I’ve been working 6 days a week anywhere between 40 and 50 hours, which in all honesty is perfect.  It affords me time to hang out with my roommates and friends, I can go to the local brewery and listen to live music and still do all the yard work and house cleaning that I must do to keep my rent low.

However, I am tired sometimes.  And this morning was one of those tired times.  I even had a couple shots of espresso, and still I’m groggy.  I have been playing with the idea that I hide from my emotions by sleeping...  So whenever I get tired/exhausted/sleepy, I’ve been checking in with myself to see if there is something that I’m feeling that is not quite present to my conscious mind.  And more often than not I realize that I am sad or frustrated or angry at some thing or another. 

When I am emotional it’s so nice to have someone to talk to or in my case to hash out why I am indeed feeling emotional.  It’s also nice to be reminded to stay present in the moment and feel those emotions.  The coffee shop affords me both of these things.  I must stay present in order to know what I’m doing and remember drinks and do them well.  But I also, LOVE how many friends, old and new, come into the coffee shop and chat with me.  I love when they sneak behind the counter to give me a hug.  I love when they tell me I look nice today.  And I love when they sit and chat with me at the counter between customer rushes, and I love the conversations we have.  Thank you to everyone who comes and sits and chats with me at the Backcountry Coffee :)  <3

Another reason I love working at the coffee shop is that I love to make latte art and to make my drinks super tasty! 

I’m not this good yet, but these are things I aspire too! 

what would you do if there was no risk of failure?

I hope you got that I was making fun of myself yesterday.  I do have those thoughts and I do fight with them.  My purpose for this blog is to be raw and real and talk about what’s really going on for me.  I don’t want to create a picture of myself that is fake and fabricated.  With that being said, I don’t want to do any emotional ranting today, either.  That’s real and that’s where I’m at again.  I like to intellectualize my emotions.  And that’s what I’ve been doing today.  I’m up in my head.  I like it there.  It’s safe.  I’m afraid of feeling emotions that are scary and powerful.

I am feeling more grounded and “put together”.  I can’t decide if that’s a good thing to be so “put together” because I see that as being in my head and not in my body, but nevertheless I’m there.  And that’s ok. 

It’s amazing how thoughts can affect the way I create my life and how I see myself.  Why do I struggle with not being good enough?  Why do I think that I am not able to attract the guy of my dreams?  Why do I think that I am lacking?  Why do I believe that I can’t take care of myself on my own?  Why????  I don’t understand.  What’s really going on for me?  Where do these doubts come from? 

People tell me that I am amazing.  They say that I can attract whomever I please.  They say that I’m beautiful.  They say that I am capable.  They say that I can do whatever I like if I put my mind to it.

I look at this and want to believe them.  But I don’t.  I think you all are bullshitters.  Why?  This is what I am getting about myself (again):

I don’t know what I want....... sigh.

I know I want something pretty.  I know I want someone kind, committed and of equal mind.  I know I want to feel capable.  But none of that is specific.  Also, I don’t actually go after that stuff.  I, for some crazy reason, choose to go after men who are unavailable and afraid of commitment.  I choose to do careers where I can’t seem to quite make it happen.  I choose to always have a backdoor/a way out/play small/only commit 75%, so that I can say “well I didn’t give it my all, and that’s why it didn’t work out”... because I’m terrified of giving it my all and still failing.  It’s safe to say that I didn’t give it my all because then I can believe that I would have succeeded had I done that.  Whereas the other way, when I fail I actually failed.  I couldn’t do it.  That sucks.  I’ve done that before and I was heart broken for weeks.  So therefore I have an aversion to giving it my all.  I used that experience to reinforce my belief that if I give it my all it won’t affect the outcome anyway.  I want to succeed.  I want to master my goals.  ....

“Failure is the road to mastery”...  so Coach Pete says.  So herein lays another debate I have with myself.  Why am I so afraid to fail?  I’m so afraid that I don’t even take the first step toward risk, if I think I might fail.  Do I think that if I fail, then I am a failure...??  I must.  It’s the only answer I see for myself.

Ok, so here’s the next question I ask myself:  What would I do, if there was no risk of failure?

Oh man..... I’m not completely sure.  I get anxious in deciding because my question doesn’t really trick my brain.  Because I believe that if I answer that question, then I should go do whatever it is I say that I would do and I’m afraid that I might fail, that I might not really want to do that after all... that I might fail myself and change my mind and change my resolve.

This is my thought process and this is crazy town and crazy thoughts.  Frustrating.  Confusing.  Stalls me out.  Keeps me from the cliffs of risk.  Keeps me unhappy.  Maybe I’m addicted to being unhappy and unsuccessful.  Maybe that’s really what’s going on for me...

Gosh, I’m still just confusing myself.

Ok, here’s time for you to respond to this.  Two things I want to know:

1.)  Is there anything that you want me to get after reading my sharing of my heart and confused poor noggin?

2.)  What would you do if there was no risk of failure?  And do you feel free to do it?  Or do you feel pressure to succeed and therefore, avoid doing it, like me?

Some Mental Chatter

Oh woah is me.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I feel stuck in Paonia.  But I don’t know where else I want to be or what I want to do...  Oh woah is me.  I am single and feeling lonely.  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry (though I don’t know quite how to ever express my anger). .. oh woah is me!  I think I am doing something wrong or else I would know how to do relationships, right?  I fight the belief that because I’m not a virgin that I won’t find someone who will treasure me.  I was told that being a virgin was the best gift I could give to my husband... welp I don’t have that gift anymore.  I gave it away on a drunken night to a guy I hardly even knew.... :(  Oh woah is me!!!

Oh Sheisa.... you ever have one of those mental wars with yourself where all you keep thinking is how much of a failure you are and yet at the same time you think “no that’s not true... at least that’s what everyone tells me, and besides all people have some value right?”...  Goodness!  Ugh!  That’s where I am right now. 

I am deciding that I’m just going to let myself be angry and sad and throw myself a pity party and then yell at God and then yell at myself and then yell at anyone else that I decide needs a good scolding, as opposed to telling myself that all things work together for good and God can turn everything around and use it to help others, at least this will increase my empathy and I really am worth something or else I wouldn’t have been born.....

........yada yada yada...........

......Sometimes I think I use my optimism to suppress my emotions.....  I don’t like that... well in all honesty I must like that because I do it.  But when I think about it and the effects that it has in my life, then I don’t like it.  When people “swallow” their emotions... they do just that!  Their emotions go into their stomach.  Then I wonder why I have digestive problems.  I don’t let myself feel anger if I can help it.  And most of the time I can help it.  So I swallow my anger and then it manifests itself in anxiety instead... and the anxiety lives in my stomach and when I eat when I’m anxious then I get indigestion.  Bummer dude!  Interesting enough anger is a fire emotion and the center for fire is right around your stomach area (or your 3^rd chakra) and you need fire to digest your food.  So without fire (like anger) you have a hard time digesting your food.  Hm.  I renounce the vow that “I will never be angry”.  I’m sorry for making a vow that is harmful to me and to others.  I choose to feel anger and I choose to learn how to properly feel it and work with and through it in an honoring way... honoring to myself and true to my feelings as well as honoring to those around me.

I chose to honor what’s going on for me and I chose to not hide it.  I chose to ask for support and know what that looks like so that I can ask specifically for the things I need.

....................

stay tuned for an emotional rant of some sort

......................

that will have to wait til after I sleep some.... I’m too tired right now... then again maybe lack of sleep would aid my emotions.  LOL

COMPLETE SIDE NOT AND TOTALLY UNRELATED!!  This is what I think I would look like if I was a creature from Pan's Labrinth.... which is one of the cooler movies on my top movies list.... I can't decide if I would be innocently evil or a really cool fairy thing...  Maybe I'd even have wings...  Have you ever sen Pan's Labrinth?  You should see it, if not :)

Thoughts on shame. Inspired by Brené Brown

“Loving our selves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we can do.”

If I stare really intently I might be able to focus through these super thick glasses...
 

I recently have been looking into some of Brené Brown’s stuff.  “The Gifts of Imperfection” is now on the top of my reading list.  For those of you who don’t know, Ms Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher.  I have friends who absolutely love her and what I’ve heard from her is quite fantastic.

Shame.

“Shame is an epidemic in our culture.”  It’s a pretty darn sneaky one too.  I didn’t even understand it until I heard her distinguish the difference between guilt and shame.  “'Guilt' = I’m sorry.  I made a mistake.  And 'Shame' = I’m sorry.  I am a mistake.”  Shame is the piece of me that thinks I’m not good enough.  “Shame is the intensely painful feeling that [I am] unworthy of love and belonging.”  I use shame to stay away from the game of my life and I use it to keep from kicking butt at living my life and thriving. 

According to Ms Brown, the three things that keep shame alive are secrecy, silence and judgment.  Those three things are powerful foods for shame.  I have reached out vulnerably to friends and family in the past and have felt like I got the shit beat out of me in the process.  And therefore I have made-up the story that it is unsafe to be vulnerable.  However, “shame cannot survive being spoken and it cannot survive empathy.” 

So again I am reminded that this blog is a place for me to speak about my shame, to speak about my guilt, to have empathy for myself, to learn to love myself for who I truly am, and to be authentic. 

“Share with people who have earned the right to hear your story”.  ...  I think about this and I don’t have an answer yet.  It’s at the back of my mind as I write, and that’s ok. 

I have shame around many areas in my life.  I want to be specific about what some of my shame is...

I feel shame around being a "christian", that I am a mistake to my upbringing.  (Disclaimer: I do not feel shame in how I interact with God and my relationship with him or rather his amazing relationship with me.... uh, wait, I'm defending myself, I'm trying to prove that I'm not a terrible mess-up ... bleh, oh well, I'm leaving it.)

I feel shame around being an adult.  I am afraid that I won't be able to take care of myself.

I feel shame around being a good enough friend to my friends and girlfriend to my boyfriends and my capability of being marriage material.

"Worthiness has no prerequisites!"  :)  Awesome!  I can chose to claim worth.  I do not have to live in my shame anymore.  I chose to love that I am imperfect and I chose to know that I have worth... not because I am or do anything at all really but simply because I am Erica.  and that is all.

Randomly added: picture of my beautiful friends in NYC with Kelli O'Hara
after the most spectacularly heart wrenching musical "Bridges of Maddison County"!

Here is a link to a Ted Talk by Brené Brown:

http://empowerlounge.com/5-powerful-quotes-from-brene-browns-tedtalk-about-shame/

Also, all quotes above are from Brené Brown.

Oh gosh..... .... .... ... . .. . .....

Most Embarrassing Story of My Week

At the Bistro.  The Bistro is a classy, upscale tapas restaurant by night and a fun social gathering coffee shop by day.  Thursday night.  The place is dead.  Paula and I are sitting down at one of the tables eating some lobster raviolis that needed to be eaten up.  Delicious raviolis.  Well, actually the homemade alfredo sauce is the most delicious part about them.  I could be eating low rung raviolis and it would still taste amazing!  We’ve been open for an hour.  Paula and I are done eating and are talking about life and complaining about stupid people.  Then laughing about this, that or the other thing.  It’s nice.

I have to use the bathroom.  I can feel pressure building in both “#1 and #2”.  It’s getting bad but sometimes I’m too lazy to walk my butt to the bathroom.  Though, it would be nice to use it before a customer comes in and I get too busy to sneak away to “drop some kids off at the pool”.  So I get up and help clear off the table we use and because I’m lazy I decide to use the customer bathroom rather than walk the 15 steps to the staff bathroom in the back.

I sit down and a gush of pee comes pouring out and quickly to follow, there’s a couple splashes.  The bathroom is flooded with the smells of the food processed through a human digestive system.  Ahhh!  Gotta love it!  No sooner do I notice the stink do I hear the bell ring on the front door.  Of course, I think to myself, they come in as soon as I decide to relieve myself.  I look up and notice that my door isn’t locked.  Better lock that.  I reach up and go for the button to push the lock.

To my horror, the door opens before I can push the button!!!  A big man that I’ve never seen before pops his head around the door to come in.  Uh!! Oh! Sorry, ‘scuse me, I mutter.  His eyes pop out of his head and he quickly shuts the door.  Oh my god!  I lock the door.  I have to serve him food later... crap.  Speaking of crap the bathroom smells of crap too, and there’s no way to get the smell out very quick.

I finish my business and wash my hands and head out of the bathroom.  Making sure to turn on the fan and shut the door on my way out.  I see him standing at the counter waiting for service.  Sorry.  We both say to each other when our eyes meet.  Then he realizes that I am his server.  I’m positive this guy is not impressed with me at all!!  And to my horror, again, he walks back to the bathroom.  It stinks in there.  Women only fart roses and butterfly’s right... well not this woman.  God I was so embarrassed!  Oh man.  Facepalm!

Lesson = always ALWAYS use the staff bathroom!!!  ESPECIALLY when you are going to stink it up!!!  Ugh.... lol

Just A List

1. I'm turning crazy!!!! ah!!!  I've had a belief that being the stereotypical "crazy women" (you know, irrational emotions and emotions/feelings/whims that switch SO FREAKING fast, that kinda crazy) would be the worst injustice I could do as a woman to the whole female race.  So I avoided it like the plague.  Now that I decided to feel my emotions and be in my body more and more, I'm realizing I am that "crazy woman"... oh crap, I was told yesterday that I'm not being "crazy" I'm just being "woman".  So rephrase:  I'M TURNING WOMAN!!!

2. My computer got updated.  Now I have to slide my fingers in the wrong direction to get my internet page to scroll up or down.  Very perplexing.

3. My house feels like an old person house.  Anyone have an extra gray-old-lady wig?  I think I'm going to stop trying to make the house blend in with me and stop trying to modernize it (it's such a freaking hard battle) and I'm going to just blend in with it now.  I need a walker too.  Let me know if you have an old lady dress I can have too.

3.5.  The next step is getting a collection of wigs and making everyone who comes to visit wear one when they step into my house.

4.  I have the best boyfriend!  He's likes me even though I'm becoming a "woman" (reference #1) and even though I just said mean things about him.  Also, if it wasn't for him I think I would be on the road to becoming more and more fake instead of on the road to embracing and loving who I am.  Logan you rock!!  <3

5.  People are stupid sometimes.  (actually I just use what they do to allow myself to feel justified in being upset or offended)

6.  My back hurts.  Like my lower back.  I'm not sure why.  I did something to it at the gym on Wednesday.  It hurts so bad that I can't push any poop out.  I have to just sit on the toilet and hope that gravity is strong enough to relieve my full intestines.

7.  TMI is fun.

8. is my favorite number, other than 24 and 42.

9.  I"M GOING TO THE EAST COAST IN APRIL FOR THREE WEEKS!!!! AH!!!  I'm not sure when the dates are but I'm going to spend a week of my time in NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm going with Logan!!!  I"M SO EXCITED!!!!!  We're going to go on adventures in the city.  I'm already planning them all!!  <3 eeeeeeeeeeeee

9.5.  I'm going to be in NYC!  I'm going to see my soul sister, Elizabeth Woods-Darby.  And I so wanna see my college friends too!!!  You hear that guys!?  We're going to hang out whether you like it or not!!  <3

10.  I woke up sweating twice last night.  Like soaked.  I wasn't even cuddling with Logan, which is usually why I get too hot when I sleep.  My body is weird with it's temperature regulation when I sleep.

11.  I love working at Backcountry Bistro!!

12.  All ya'll, is fun to say.

14.  I'm like a hotel.  There is no 13th floor.

13.  Just kidding.

15.  I miss Jenna and Isaac.  They left the valley and are going on an epic adventure.  It's going to be so sweeeeet and awesome!  But they are cool and I want them to hang out with me all the time!

16.  I suck at staying in contact with my best-friend/friend-soul-mate.  She only lives 1.5 hours from me and I never go visit.  I'm a terrible human being.  I'm going to change that. (someone keep me accountable)  I have to figure something out.  I miss her so hard core.  I wish we were roommates again.  We always have the best adventures and laugh a lot.  I love playing "gotcha" with her!  She's a really good writer too and so fun to be around, even if all we do is read books together!  She, also, was the best fashion coach I ever had!  Chloe Burton you're my favorite memory and I'm going to make you more than a memory, again!  I'll see you Saturday.  Also, you'd be proud to know I now own 3 pairs of skinny jeans!  haha

17.  I'm going to go eat dinner now.

18.  I'm going to leave my filter outside under the bushes.  So if I ever need it again, I'll know where to find it.  But it's more fun to leave it behind.

19. LOVE is all you need.  bum-ba-ba-da-dum.  Love is all you need, need.  Yeah, love is all you need.

20.  I wanna watch Moulin Rouge again.

21.  Ok, I'm done.  (i'm over 21.  I'm going to drink beer with my dinner.)

Being In Truth Means Simply Being Yourself

He likes me for me.

He likes my imperfect body.

And not because I hold myself like Queen Latifa or a prima donna.

Nor look like a model, rock star or Miss Madonna.

He likes me for me.

It doesn’t matter if my clothes aren’t right or my hair isn’t done.

It doesn’t matter if my emotions stay tight or if they come undone.

He likes me for me.

He likes that I want to go explore new places.

He loves that I go find magical spaces.

He wants me to be me.

He doesn’t care if my house is organized and clean.

He still treats me like a queen.

He enjoys how my joyful giggles swell.

And he doesn’t mind how I smell or don’t smell

Because every smell is me.

He loves how I am, because he likes me for me.

It doesn’t matter that I remind him of his past girlfriend

It doesn’t matter that I’m not enough like his past other one.

It only matters that I am me,

Because he likes me for me.

I like to go on walks.

I like to explore the city blocks.

I like when we have our long talks.

I like getting jewelry in gift boxes.

I like collecting pretty rocks.

And I like making forts out of old boxes.

He likes doing things with me

Because he likes me for me.

He loves my smile.

He loves all my laughs.

He could walk with me for mile after mile.

Just to here me laugh every once in a while.

I don’t have a box I have to fit inside

I don’t have to match an idea.

There’s nothing he would have me change.

He doesn’t care if others think me strange.

He likes me for me.

And.....I like me for me.....

I like me for me.

I don’t have to change for him to like me.

It’s ok if I don’t dress right

If my jeans aren’t tight

If I don’t greet him quite right

Or if sometimes I get intimate stage fright.

I like me for me.

I can be as pretty as the movie stars

I can be terrible at playing guitars.

I can be numb and I can be alive

I can choose which car to test drive.

Because I am who I choose to be

I like me for me

I don’t care if I want my kitchen is spotless

I don’t care if at times I’m thoughtless

When I think I shouldn’t be.

It’s how I am sometimes

And I like me for me.

I want to be real.

I want to find out who I am.

I want to feel.

And I want to make homemade strawberry jam!

I like what I’m finding

I like that I’m failing

I like that I’m succeeding.

Because I like me for me.

I like me for me.

It’s ok that sometimes I’m depressed.

It’s ok that sometimes I wait all day to get dressed.

It’s ok that I have scars on my arms from my own doing.

And it’s ok that at times I am my own undoing.

I’m becoming friends with who I am.

I choose to see myself as perfect in imperfection.

I am my own best friend.

I can take myself out on the town for the night.

I am my own best boyfriend.

My arms will keep me warm through the long and frightful night.

I like me for me.

I like that I am insecure and I am trying to convince myself I’m fine in my poetry.

I like that I am the main character in all my stories.

I like life and I like that it’s difficult

I like that it’s fun and I like that I’m not cynical

I chose to allow myself the space to be me.

I chose to take the pressure off to be anything else.

Being in truth means simply being yourself.

I won’t try to be anyone else.