Snow Queen/Princess

My day as the New Year's Eve Snow Queen/Princess at Powderhorn Ski resort:

Absolutely amazing day!  I woke up at 5 am to do my makeup and hair and borrowed my dress from a lovely friend and made my way around the base area at Powderhorn.  Take picture with little girls and helping people find lost and found items and passing out jolly ranchers.  :)  One of the best days at the ski hill!

The most beautiful thing in the world

There’s something powerful about the tie between lovers.

There’s something amazing about the love of family.

My grandmother Ochs went to the hospital Friday night after Christmas.  She has been struggling with her health for a couple years now.  She collapsed in the bathroom as she was getting ready for bed.  I don’t know if anyone knows yet why.  But I believe that she collapsed so that she would go to the hospital.  Because this morning her lungs filled up with liquid and she couldn’t breath.  The nurse sedated her and put a tube down her throat, she now has a machine breathing for her.

And now while my grandmother is in the hospital, family fills up her room for hours at a time.  We have pulled together to support each other.  It’s a wonder she can rest with all of us around.  lol  I know she loves it though because she is scared and loves knowing she is not alone. 

I’ve never seen my grandfather cry.  Until today.  Twice.  He is the strongest, most amazing man I know.  I think my grandmother is the luckiest woman in the world.  She is loosing her eyesight and he reads to her all the time.  He drives her around wherever she wants to go and he holds her hand at dinner.  My grandfather is scared too now.  He may lose his beloved. 

I visited my grandmother in the hospital.  I knew she would be bad off and I was prepared.  I worked on her feet and head doing a bit of reflexology and energy work.  What I wasn’t prepared for was seeing my grandfather so upset (and yet so strong) and my dad coming into the room and seeing the tears in his eyes.  I lost it.  I cried. Silently, so as to not disturb grandma. 

My grandparents relationship may involve nit-picking and annoyance ... like any relationship.  But it’s also full of a powerful, powerful love.  When my grandmother got agitated – she is sedated but part conscious too and since she has so many tubes and wires she cannot talk and her hands are tied to the bed posts so she won’t rip them out – so when she was upset none of us could calm her down.  My grandfather spoke strong through the tears in his voice and told her she was ok and he was right there and everyone in the room loved her so much.  Her eyes hazily drifted to the sound of his voice and she took a deep breath and drifted back to sleep, calmed. 

The fear of being alone is so powerful.  I feel it strongly.  I fear I will never find someone like my grandparents have in each other.  But now I see the fear of being alone surfacing in them too... as my grandmother goes through this and my grandfather faces the fact that he might loose her. 

But right now, they do have each other.  And it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Adventure is out there!

Humph, I really set myself up well with this one. 

I now have a small audience and that means accountability to being honest and raw.

Awesome!!!

......oh my god!?!?!?  Scary!!!  I started thinking about this yesterday after I started my blog.  Honestly (lol), I had a minor panic attack sitting on my couch as I was waking up from a nap.  I was very proud of myself for starting a blog and starting something where I would be free to share whatever I wanted.  And I started thinking about all the things I could write about.  I’m sure I will have new material as I continue this thing called life and if I don’t have something to write about that day, then I have my past at which I can dig.  It’s really exciting to have a voice that isn’t clouded or fake.  But holy wow, it’s scary too!

So my argument with myself goes a little something like this:

   “What if I am so honest that I loose any of my jobs?  Like I said... I’m pretty curious and I like to explore.  This is what I always say about my first kiss experience: “He was really drunk and I was really curious! (plus, he was super hot!).”  Still makes me smile."  

   “Well, Erica, that’s what makes life exciting.  However, fear of what people think has held you back multiple times before, so now it's time to break free.”

   “But what if I get curious about illegal things?  Like stealing or drugs?  Or what if I kill someone??  Do I have to blog about that stuff too?  I’ll go to prison AND loose ALL my jobs!!!!!”

   “Really?  You wouldn’t kill anyone.  Well, maybe a bug, but I don't think that counts.”

   “So just to be safe I won't say anything risky on here."

   "Do I limit my honesty?  So am I then 100% honest about only a certain percentage of my life?  But that’s not what I set this up for, I want to be 100% honest!  I want to be real!”

.....................................................................................................................................

Oh dear.  See what I mean?  I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.  I’ll feel it out and I’ll know what I need to do.  

I'm not so much afraid of sharing opinions that might offend people.  Or discussing what I'm thinking about that will make me look bad to other people.  And I want to say that I’m not afraid to lose my job and going to prison will result in a really good story.  I’ll blog while I’m in there!  Haven’t you seen “Orange is the New Black”?  I’m sure I’ll have good material in prison.  And if I lose my job, that’ll open a door to something else.  But the truth is all those ideas do scare me.

Hahaha... now if I’m realistic, I’m sure that I won’t be fired and that I wont be sent to prison.  But still the idea is a bit haunting.... and thrilling!  (dreamy look in eyes) .... a life full of adventure! .... sigh...  :)

As Peter Pan says:

“To die would be an awfully big adventure!” 

 ....and....

“To LIVE will be an awfully big adventure!” 

Commencing

New blog.

I’ve never blogged before.  Seems to be pretty popular though.  I have kept a journal most of my life.  I say most because sometimes I go weeks between journal entries and other times I make an entry more than once a day.  I used to write in my journal as if someone would someday read it.  What a silly idea.  However, if I move into blogging, I guess there is room for someone to read my writings and hear my thoughts now.  I think that makes me a little nervous.  I want to be completely real and yet I don’t.  I am afraid of what people think of me.

If I am 100% honest I wanted to hide my identity so I can be 100% honest... but that is not honest, is it?  Haha.... oh dear.  So here it goes.  My name in the title and web address.... (grin)

My life is full of explorations.  Some people love and support me for it and some don’t.  Everyone is free to have their own opinions, I guess.  But I want everyone to like me and think I am a good person.  However, I can’t have that and be 100% honest about who I am and what I do and what I think.  Because let’s be honest here (haha) I am human and I am far from perfect.  And it’s great!  I love it!  .... sometimes.   :P   And "good" who really and truly knows what "good" is anyways?

I am a huge advocate for self-betterment.  If I could be perfect, I would.  I’ve tried to be perfect in many ways and in different times throughout my life.  I am coming to realize that I can be nothing but myself.  I was created as Erica Ochs, so why should I be anything else?

So my blog, Erica Ochs’ mind in words, commencing and flowing forth from this day forth in complete and raw honesty.

Welcome to a space that is sometimes pleasant and sometimes not.