I hope you got that I was making fun of myself
yesterday. I do have those
thoughts and I do fight with them.
My purpose for this blog is to be raw and real and talk about what’s
really going on for me. I don’t
want to create a picture of myself that is fake and fabricated. With that being said, I don’t want to
do any emotional ranting today, either.
That’s real and that’s where I’m at again. I like to intellectualize my emotions. And that’s what I’ve been doing
today. I’m up in my head. I like it there. It’s safe. I’m afraid of feeling emotions that are scary and powerful.
I am feeling more grounded and “put together”. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing
to be so “put together” because I see that as being in my head and not in my
body, but nevertheless I’m there.
And that’s ok.
It’s amazing how thoughts can affect the way I create my
life and how I see myself. Why do
I struggle with not being good enough?
Why do I think that I am not able to attract the guy of my dreams? Why do I think that I am lacking? Why do I believe that I can’t take care
of myself on my own? Why???? I don’t understand. What’s really going on for me? Where do these doubts come from?
People tell me that I am amazing. They say that I can attract whomever I please. They say that I’m beautiful. They say that I am capable. They say that I can do whatever I like
if I put my mind to it.
I look at this and want to believe them. But I don’t. I think you all are bullshitters. Why? This is
what I am getting about myself (again):
I don’t know what I want....... sigh.
I know I want something pretty. I know I want someone kind, committed and of equal
mind. I know I want to feel
capable. But none of that is
specific. Also, I don’t actually
go after that stuff. I, for some
crazy reason, choose to go after men who are unavailable and afraid of
commitment. I choose to do careers
where I can’t seem to quite make it happen. I choose to always have a backdoor/a way out/play small/only
commit 75%, so that I can say “well I didn’t give it my all, and that’s why it
didn’t work out”... because I’m terrified of giving it my all and still
failing. It’s safe to say that I
didn’t give it my all because then I can believe that I would have succeeded
had I done that. Whereas the other
way, when I fail I actually failed.
I couldn’t do it. That
sucks. I’ve done that before and I
was heart broken for weeks. So
therefore I have an aversion to giving it my all. I used that experience to reinforce my belief that if I give
it my all it won’t affect the outcome anyway. I want to succeed.
I want to master my goals.
....
“Failure is the road to mastery”... so Coach Pete says. So herein lays another debate I have
with myself. Why am I so afraid to
fail? I’m so afraid that I don’t
even take the first step toward risk, if I think I might fail. Do I think that if I fail, then I am a
failure...?? I must. It’s the only answer I see for myself.
Ok, so here’s the next question I ask myself: What would I do, if there was no risk
of failure?
Oh man..... I’m not completely sure. I get anxious in deciding because my
question doesn’t really trick my brain.
Because I believe that if I answer that question, then I should go do
whatever it is I say that I would do and I’m afraid that I might fail, that I
might not really want to do that after all... that I might fail myself and change
my mind and change my resolve.
This is my thought process and this is crazy town and crazy
thoughts. Frustrating. Confusing. Stalls me out.
Keeps me from the cliffs of risk.
Keeps me unhappy. Maybe I’m
addicted to being unhappy and unsuccessful. Maybe that’s really what’s going on for me...
Gosh, I’m still just confusing myself.
Ok, here’s time for you to respond to this. Two things I want to know:
1.) Is
there anything that you want me to get after reading my sharing of my heart and
confused poor noggin?
2.) What
would you do if there was no risk of failure? And do you feel free to do it? Or do you feel pressure to succeed and therefore, avoid
doing it, like me?
