The Walking Man

7 am.  My eyes flutter open and I smile at the dark ceiling like I always do at this hour.  I haven't been able to sleep past seven since I was a teacher for so many years.  I don't mind though, there's something magical in the early morning hours.  

I start to move my body in attempts to wake it up.  My bones and joints creak, moan and crack like my old trailer house does when the wind blows.  Slowly, I can feel life begin to flow through my limbs and I roll over to prop myself into a sitting position. 

I slide my feet into my trustee slippers so my feet stay warm while I dress.  My big toe pokes out of the blue fleece on the left foot, but I don’t mind.  I leave my pajama pants on and put my jeans on over top.  It’s cold out this morning and I want to stay warm.  I put on a couple sweaters and my blue hat too.  Then I look around for my orange reflective vest that the snowplow man gave me.  A snowplow almost hit me 3 years ago; I had to run off the road to avoid the blade.  It scared the driver so much that he gave me the reflective jacket so it wouldn’t happen again.  I’ve worn it every morning ever since.  Then I remember I couldn’t find it yesterday.  I haven’t been able to go out for 8 months now.  I don’t know where I put the darn thing.  So I shift my way over to the coat closet by the front door and pull out the next best thing, my bright yellow coat.  There’s some black on it but it’s mostly yellow, so I will be seen even though it’s not reflective.  I put it on and then pull on my oversized mittens. 

Every morning since I retired at 72, I have gone on my early morning walk.  I live close to the highway and I like to walk up and down the hill a mile and a half.  That makes 3 miles.  I would trot on the flat spots and walk on the hills.  There are two spots that are flat.  Every morning I would walk, even when it’s 0 degrees outside... all you need is enough clothes and when you get cold, walk faster.

Then last spring I fell when I was trottin’.  My doctor told me I shouldn’t be trottin’ anymore.  I have a heart problem and something might happen to me.  And then one morning I woke up with water in my lungs.  I didn’t even walk after that.

But 3 months ago I started walking again.  Not outside, but inside my house.  I live in a 60-foot trailer.  I walk up and down the thing.  I started off only walking two times up and down.  I kept adding more walking.  And for the last month I walked a quarter mile.  I figured it out by doing the math.  And this, here, this is my walker that my son gave me.  It has big wheels on it for walking outside.  If I hold on to this I won’t fall.  So today I’m going back outside.  I won’t walk all 3 miles.  I will start with only 1 mile today. 

When you see me walking, you stop by and say hi.  I like talking to people.  But if you don’t stop to talk, I will wave at you anyhow.  I wave at every car that passes by.

___________________________________________

This was my way of telling you about the man that I have come to call The Walking Man.  His name is John Queen and I’m not sure how old he is but according to him he retired a long time ago, when he was 72.  Every morning I went to Powderhorn to work during the winter, I would see him walking in his orange reflective road vest.  Rain, snow, wind, sun, it didn’t matter, unless it was a really bad storm.  And without fail, he would wave to me every time I passed him.  He would make my day.

Then this year I decided to get him something from powderhorn as a gift and to tell him that he inspired me and that it made me happy every time I saw him.  But then I didn’t see him, and didn’t see him and I looked every day.  I was afraid that he had died or gotten really sick or moved.  Then I saw him just this last week.  I was late for work but stopped anyway and was able to give him the sweater I bought him and learn his name and some of his story.  He teared up and was very happy I stopped and asked me to stop again someday.  It made my day so much brighter.

Above: The road John Walks on

Healthy Shmealthy (rant)

*Rant beware of language*

Above: language buffer photo and I really like these mountains.  :) (only positive thing in this blog)


I am fucking sick and tired of trying to be healthy and improve my self.  No matter what I do, I never have the energy that I used to before ...whatever the fuck happened to me or I did to myself (whatever perspective you decide to take) my senior year of high school.  I had so much energy!  And now all the sudden I want am not happy unless I get at least 9 hours of sleep a night, I would rather have 12 though.  Holy Shit!!  How in the world am I supposed to get anything done when all I want to do is SLEEP!???!?!  I'm so frustrated!  I'm so frustrated that I'm crying right now....

I slept from about 10 - 6 this morning which should be awesome and I went to work at the ski resort that I usually love to be at and had no energy.  In fact, my whole body is freaking out.  My pelvic girdle hurts, my lower back hurts and when I was on my board my knee just decided to get out of whack for god know why.  I can't straighten it now without some pretty intense pain.  When I got home I slept for another 2 hours got up to eat some dinner and watch a movie by myself and all I want to do is go back to bed.  Food doesn't taste good.  I eat because I'm hungry and need energy and I stop eating because I usually start to feel nauseous.  Tonight I only ate cream of rice and thank god! I didn't feel nauseous afterwords.  I don't want to ride my snowboard or my bike which usually makes me happy.  I don't want to live in Paonia but I don't want to go anywhere else.  I want to hide in the stories in my books, and when I don't have energy for that then I want to watch a movie and when I don't have energy for that then I want to sleep.

I'm supposed to be studying "healing diets".  I am supposed to do a fast.  I can't even make it one day on a fast "preparation!!" diet because I loose all my energy and therefore can't even function to do my daily work.  FUCK!

Holy shit!  I'm like a walking zombie.  I don't like anything!  What the hell is wrong with me!?

What's the point of living healthy if I fucking don't want to live anymore?  Quality of life?  I don't think so! It's only quantity of life.  Do I really want to find the fountain of youth if it steals my joy for living? God sometimes eating a greasy hamburger and fries and drinking a cherry limeade is all I want to do.  But that's not "healthy" our bodies don't do well when we eat meats and sugars and not to mention dairy.

Maybe it's not healthy living, maybe I think I'm being healthy by following the rules and I really am not?  Maybe I'm not really following god and I'm following satan and that's why my energy is gone?  Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of me (lol)?  Maybe this, maybe that, maybe, maybe maybe.... I'm really sick of trying to figure out what it is!

So it's all in my mind.  So it's all in how I perceive things... so I have a choice and can live my life differently.  Well, I'm trying.  I've been trying for a long time.  Let's see how long ago was senior year? 8 years ago.  I've been trying for 8 years.  Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I can't shake it.  I usually just ignore it.  But somedays like today I just can't ignore it.  It's too powerful and I don't know what to do.  I want to be happy, I want to enjoy what I'm doing, I want to love people, I want to be engaged and I do all that really quite genuinely.... until I just can't anymore.  I can't seem to keep a handle on enjoying my life, so then I fake it for a while.  Because how do I talk about what's going on? I just hate everything.  why, you ask?  PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN I KNOW WHY!!???!  then I could tell you why, then maybe even I could work to fix it.

Guess I just need to accept defeat and death of a dream to have my vitality back.  Accept that I have a very active pain body and that I need to sleep 12 hours a night and find a way that I can hopefully support myself knowing that I don't have energy for any extended amount of work.

God. I hate this.  There has to be a way to stop this stupid cycle.  But all I do is bitch and moan and then I sleep for ever and get into the bright side of the cycle and enjoy that until it ends again.  Here's to a stupid fucking cycle that is going to be the death of me.

Church In the Morning

Funny, I grew up in the church.  I know all the right answers and all the right words to use when having a conversation or discussion with someone who calls them selves a Christian.  But I went to church this morning and I was so uncomfortable. 

There is so much grace and acceptance for someone outside the church, someone who doesn’t know the rules.  In fact people in the church are excited to have people like that around.  It makes them feel good to be able to “witness” to them and see them decide to go to church and love God too.  But, oh goodness, you better watch out if you were once in the church and are knowingly making decisions that go against the church’s doctrine.  I know because I’ve been there.  I told a really good friend that I disagreed with her life decisions and stepped back from our relationship and hurt one of the best relationships that ever happened to me.  Karma came around quick though and now I am on the side of disapproval.  I have been told that I am not living right and they will pray for me and then they stop hanging out with me.  They don’t want anything to do with me if I am not living my life the way they think I should or the way they want to live their life.   And we used to be good friends.  I guess I am a bad influence or a threat.  I’m a heathen?  I’m... scary??  I don’t know really what it is in my case.  But I do know if I met my 16 year-old self as I am at 25 I would call myself a witch and I would tell myself I would pray for me and would be scared to hang out with me too.  I could come up with all sorts of reasons as to why that’s the right thing for me to do.  But let me also tell you that it doesn’t feel very loving.  There’s this bible verse that goes “...and they shall know you by your love for others...” 

I have a long and complicated history with the church and with God.  It’s a story for another time.  I will write it soon though and you will better understand.  However, I am absolutely in love with God.  I live my life following Holy(Great) Spirit to the best of my ability and I talk with Spirit all the time.  I know I have a great relationship with him (I use him because that’s what I’m used to not because God is or ever can be limited to a gender) and thank god for that!  I don’t know what would become of me if it wasn’t for God.  I follow him wherever he leads me, even to church.  I am terrified to go to church sometimes, especially the little church where I went to youth group growing up.  I think that they will treat me the way I would’ve treated myself 10 years ago. 

Anyway, I went to church today and I was sitting there thinking that I want to be a conduit of love towards everyone.  I want God to work through me wherever and however he wants.  I am practicing healing and I am honing my skills to be more and more a conduit of HIS skills, by taking away judgments and fear and getting myself out of the way.  As I was being taken by fear of being in church I was reminding myself that I want to love everyone, even the people groups that reject me. (ha what a victim's mentality I have, I should also say the people group I rejected)  As I was thinking this the pastor said the verse in John (13:15) “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one for another.”  I almost laughed out loud.

My goal is to love everyone!  I thought I was doing well, until today at church when I realized how closed off I became around those people.  I find it easy to love the “partygoers” and the “sluts” and the “gays” and the “drug addicts” and the “hippies” or whatever label you want to put on someone.  They are really sweet and lovely people (most times lol).  What I have trouble doing is loving the religious.  The religious of any group... the ones that don’t love me back because I do life differently.  But I know that it will be healing for me.  I have a lot of feelings of betrayal and hurt when it comes to my “friends” that were Christians.  So this journey is one I want to go on despite my fears.

What does that look like?  I’m not quite sure, but it starts within me.  It starts with my being around Christians without fear.

This recently came to my attention and I wanted to add it.

Religions are fundamentally "belief systems"

What the Tree Told Me

Today was beautiful!  The sun was shining something fierce for mid January.  So I decided to take a walk.  The air smelled like spring; fresh and full of life.  I think even some of the grass in the yards I walked by were confused by this change in weather, because I saw some hints of green peaking through the snow.  The birds were singing to each other exclaiming how they were at peace.  I couldn’t help but have a little spring in my step, which was a nice reprieve from the heaviness I have been feeling.

I made my way out and about and finally to the town park to sit by a specific tree.  I grew rather fond of this tree after my walk ended up there yesterday as well.  This tree is growing in the perfect place to catch the afternoon sun for a good 3 hours without being disturbed by any shadows.  But what makes this tree special to me besides the fact that I feel connected with it, is the bowl shaped roots that stick out of the ground.  The bowl is the perfect shape to fit my butt without any sore spots and it is positioned just far enough away from the trunk for me to slouch to my heart’s content (and my spines).  It’s the perfect place to sit without getting “swamp-ass” from sitting in the wet grass.

Before I sat down I asked the tree if it would share energy with me.  The first time I did this with a tree I was amazed at how willing the tree was and how grounding it was for me.  I was so thankful for the experience.  This time I just wanted to hang out with this particular tree.  So I sat to journal. 

When I was down journaling I was praying about random things and talking to the tree I was sitting with.  If you are at all familiar with Eckart Tolle, then you may be familiar with the “pain-body”.  I was talking to the tree about my pain-body and how active it was these last two days.  I asked the tree if it could take it away, because I saw my pain-body as bad.  And the tree said that was impossible.  I asked what I must do instead and it said to embrace and love it, for it is part of myself.  I didn’t wonder why for very long before I knew the answer.

SIDE NOTE: Let me say that I have just been having conversations with Logan about a few ideas surrounding good and bad.  If there were no bad, there would be no good.  And if there was only good then life would be boring and we would not be able to grow as much.  So bad adds interest to life.  Life is full of good and bad and that’s the way it should be.  I recently heard a definition of peace that I really liked, though I haven’t found any source to say that this definition is used anywhere in the current or historical world, however, this is the definition that I like, Peace: the state of being as it should.  So with that in mind, life, with it’s good and it’s bad, is at peace.

I have been thinking about my relation to my pain-body as a type of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde relationship.  However, that is not the case.  In reference to my pain-body, I am three parts.  I am: 1, the observer and 2, the pain-body, and 3, the “happy-body” (what I decided to call it).  I am three-in-one.  If I were to get rid of my pain-body I would be unbalanced, terribly.  Even by rejecting my pain-body I am unbalanced.  The tree was telling me to love and embrace my whole being, even the part of my being that seems to be “bad”, but really just gives me interest.  It was saying to know that I am at peace.... I am as I should be.

Subsequently, I am now at a greater state of “peace” than when I started.

Dancing with Energy (part 2)

Friday night I was absolutely beaming with joy as I finally felt my feet, body, soul and heart soar through musical bliss.  I had the capacity to play with my energy in whatever way I felt and however I was moved.  And then came Saturday night.  I was exhausted, though still determined to dance all night again.  (I succeeded in dancing until 5:45 am!)  But my energy games changed tactics.  These tactics carried into Sunday as well.

I am happy for the lessons that came through my tiredness.  Instead of doing “energy work”, I became “energy flow”.  When I typically "do" energy work, I set intentions and visualize and intuit and focus and feel and manipulate and do what I “think” may be for the best........  WHO AM I TO DECIDE WHAT’S BEST??? 

In being tired I was able to get out of the way.  I opened myself up fully and took on the roll of observer.  I watched and did what I felt led to do in that moment and nothing more.  I had no plans of setting intentions, manipulating anything or “trying” or “playing” with anything.  I simply existed and observed.

Being in the moment.  Following the flow without judgment and without my ideas of what I think should be.  I think that’s where the real power of God is to be found.  That’s where the fun and adventure lie.  I’m excited to continue to play with this idea on and off the dance floor.

In regards to my dancing and my style:
I decided to start playing with the idea that my body knows how to move and my posture will be fine if I quit trying so hard.  I have enough of the foundations to let everything go.  I started to watch my energy flow through my body instead and find ways to let it flow the way it desired.  I watched to see if I was holding myself in tension anywhere and would release it, that is, if it wanted to be released.  (Granted tension and tone being two different things)  I found as I did this, my lower back and knees didn’t hurt as badly as they usually do after a full weekend of dancing.  (Can I just say that I danced about 22 hours this weekend?  And that was only dancing... if I did classes it would have maybe doubled.  Good lord, I love it!)  I also found that I was also releasing judgment for my dancing and my partner's.  I was unintentionally freeing us both up to enjoy ourselves to the fullest... at least from my rose colored perspective :)

Needless to say, this weekend was absolutely full of lessons that I can translate to life in general and also any sort of connection through relationship.  I had an amazing weekend and I haven’t even touched on the spectacular dances I had with some beautiful leads (and follows)!!  I could write another few blogs just bragging on the people in this community and how awesome their spirits are and how great their dancing is.  But I will leave you to come and experience that for yourselves or perhaps a different blog at a different time.

To any dancer that reads this post, thank you!  You are amazing and inspire me to be a better person and dancer!  I am genuinely completely thrilled that I have the opportunity to connect with the beautiful and bright soul that you are.

Peace and Love,

Signing out.

Playing with Energy on the Dance Floor

Dancing.  What I wonderful way to connect with people.  I am submerged in a weekend of dancing.  9pm-5am last night and again for the next two nights.

I have been working with energy in different ways and through different modalities for a while.  It’s quite fun and amazing to play with and observe.  You know how people can walk into a room and you can feel if they are upset without even talking to them or looking at their face?  Or perhaps they walk into the room and everyone (literally) turns and looks at them because they “feel” them walk in?  That’s their energy.  That’s one way it manifests itself.  Since studying theatre I’ve been wondering how to shift my energy so that I can fill up a room if I want, or completely hide from people if I want and using that during performances and for auditions.  As I have continued this play I have been branching out in different ways.

This weekend I decided to play with energy on the dance floor.  Each dance is a chance to try something new and different or expound on something that I like.  Last night I broadcast my energy from surrounding only my dance partner to then the entire room.  I shifted my own energy from love to acceptance to fun to no pressure to walled-off to exhausted to anything else I could think of to try.  I personally really enjoy being in a space of love, acceptance, fun and no pressure, especially love and acceptance.  I found that I had better dances and more fun if I was loving and accepting of my partner.

As I played with my energy I started to find that I would attract very ...uhhh... “interesting” partners to dance with sometimes.  At first I would resist wanting to dance with them.  I have danced with people in the past that have had really gross energy, specifically sexual.  I don’t enjoy that and usually wall myself off to protect myself out of fear.  So I didn’t want to attract these people while I was broadcasting acceptance.  This became a struggle for me.  Luckily I didn’t attract many of them and they really weren’t as bad as I thought they might be at first judgement.

Later while I was eating some food, I met a man named Matt.  We ended up talking for a long time.  We were meant to connect.  I shared some of my story and he likewise shared some of his.  His being was full of light and love and was beautiful.  At the end of our conversation, he spoke blessings over my hands to heal as I am led.  I watched my energy to see how that would take effect.  I felt some shifts in my heart.... breaking of fear if you will. 

A new energy pattern started to take place in my being.  I could feel it shift as I started to dance.  My heart feeling warm and my hands feeling warm and the energy shaking into my body as I moved and danced. 

I was showed how my energy was attracting the people that needed to be in my aura field; that either I could benefit from or they could benefit from me.  About that time another lead approached me and my first judgmental reaction was “man, I don’t want to dance with him”.  But I knew that we were meant to connect.  So I accepted his proposal to share a dance and opened up to what I was to learn or to give. 

It ended up being completely for me.  I started dancing with him as a soul.  (Partner dance, especially blues, takes down the walls people usually have up and a new level of connection is available.  That’s one of the reasons why this dance is so addicting.)  It was beautiful, an out of body experience.  I didn’t see him as a slightly gross individual as I shamefully admit that I did at first.  Instead, I saw the beauty of Love in him; I saw the beauty of the Creator in him.  That’s what I danced with.  I felt the duality of being of one Source and being two separate humans.

I look forward to what lessons await for me tonight and what healing can be done in me and through me.  Following God’s path and following Source, Creator, Love.  

Trees... amazing way to ground yourself and let your energy be recovered.  Matt told me about this and I simply asked a tree if it was willing to help me and laid my hands on it's bark.  Immediately my energy was taken into it's roots and into my own.

Beautiful.

Find Me at a Coffee Shop

Today I have planned all day to write and read.  Read novels and school books.  Write blogs and journal.  I have traveled to Denver on snowy roads full of traffic that made a 4-hour trip take 8 hours and I am at a blues dance event with some of the best dancers this country has to offer.  Dancing by night resting by day.  Beautiful.  Feeding my soul.

My grandmother passed away last weekend.  For the last two weeks I have been busy (I might even say overwhelmed) with family, emotions, work and other obligations.  Finding few hours for myself.  I would not have changed that for anything.  Family is important, regardless of how families are sometimes viewed.  I’ve heard it said that families are an accident of birth.  If that’s the case, it’s the best accident that’s ever happened to me!

Needless to say, I was exhausted after 2 weeks of keeping up the pace I did.  I have done my mourning as completely as I need to right now.  My grandmother’s love-filled funeral was on Thursday followed by a beautiful celebration of life party for a dear soul mother we all call Mama Laura.  Between the two gatherings, enough tears fell to clean my soul, heart and aura.  It was beautiful and painful, lovely and sweet.  I was absolutely blown away by how people showed up to support both my family and Mama Laura’s.  People are beautiful. 

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more to the treasure of life and the people in it.  My grandmother passed away and I felt like I had said everything I needed to and I know she knew I loved her and thought her wonderful and I know that she loved me more than I understand.  I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to speak with her at the hospital even while she was in a coma.  Not everyone can say that business is finished between them and a deceased loved one.  I hope to live so that I feel that way about everyone I care about and come into contact with.  If I am to never see them again, then I will know that I did what I could to love.  

What’s beneath the dress and tiara?

... an awesome pair of blue tie-dye pants and some underwear, of course.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about what’s under the dress; under the smiles; under the laughter.

I had been planning my snow princess outfit for about 2 weeks now, as soon as I knew I could dress up for work.  I was excited about it.  But I was not completely convinced in myself that I really wanted to do it.  That morning as I was driving up to work, with my makeup and hair done, I was freaking out.  I was afraid that people wouldn’t like it, or that it wouldn’t be professional enough.  I was afraid that Luke, my boss, was going to come out of his office and tell me that I crossed the line.  I even brought a change of clothes, just in case.  But even more, I was afraid that I wouldn’t have the energy to be the center of attention for a whole day.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t know what to say and that I would be tired and/or depressed.   No one wants a depressed princess.

This time of year is really hard for me.  November and December are the two months that I look forward to the least.  Most of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through happened in one of those two months and I dread the idea that anything else could happen.  I have low energy and I am easily depressed, I don’t want to go out or socialize or even cook for myself.  I want to be like the animals and trees.  I want to retreat into my “roots” and sleep a lot.  Blending into society and keeping up with everyone is near impossible for me.  I struggle. 

This is the season of celebrations, there are so many!  The last few are my favorite.  I celebrate Solstice because the days are not getting darker anymore.  Solstice is the beginning of brightness returning.  That makes me really hopeful.  I celebrate New Years because December is finally over. 

I have been working on bringing light to others and myself during this time of darkness.  I’ve found a balance of the only two things that work as a weapon against depression.  If I rest enough and use the energy I do have to bring joy to others, then joy bounces directly back to me.  And it’s a joy that I don’t have to cling to because it clings to me. 

Once I got to Powderhorn and I was fully dressed as a princess, the joy that spread was epic.  Luke walked out of his office with the biggest grin and a high five.  Some people laughed out loud, while others were confused (haha) but still the sight of my costume spread a huge smile across their face.  I was on cloud 9 all day!  I didn’t even have to try to “be” happy, I just was!!  :)