Stream of Conciousness

It’s been a little while since I’ve written another blog, I’m having a hard time deciding what to make this blog post about.  Too many topics.

SO, I’m going to do.... Stream of Consciousness:

My throat feels funny.  I think it’s because of the herbs that I just took.  They seem to be pretty intense but make me feel better... the main thing I notice about them is they make me sh.... wait I don’t want to cuss right there.... they make me poop....  boring, I want to write something more entertaining.  My herbs make my bowels spout off about 4 times a day, like Old Faithful!    ... haha groos!  But it’s true.  My stool is soft and comes gushing out of my body when I am taking my herbs.  My naturopath would like it if I took them everyday and finished my HUGE bag in just a month... it’s taken me about 2.5 months to reach the end of my bag.  Oh well.  I’m not too worried about it.  The herbs hurt my stomach sometimes, so it’s hard to take as much as she would like.  Maybe the next batch will have a mix that is easier for my stomach to handle and therefore I will be able to ingest them more frequently.

Enough about herbs what else am I thinking about?  TMD.  Logan.  Housemates. Game night.  Motorcylces!  I can see my hands in the reflection of my screen as I type.  :)

I did TMD 2 weekends ago.  TMD is a weekend training that stands for Transformational Mind Dynamics.  Through TMD, I can see more clearly what I’ve been trying to see about myself for a long time.  It has altered the way I see my life and how I see the world too.  I feel like the world is less scary and I can take risks and fail or succeed and neither really matter in the grand scheme of things.  Sounds nice doesn’t it?  It’s true.  I now have a pretty good idea about what is holding me back.  I usually play my life in such a way that if things happen, then they should have happened and if they don’t then so be it.  I guess you could say I lived out the “fate” idea.  I used to fight for what I wanted at about 75% to play safe.  Just in case the world had other plans.  Ha what a victim.  Now I choose to fight for my life and desires at 100%.  If I fail, bummer, but I have a better chance at succeeding now.  I choose to let people in, I didn’t before, just in case they hurt or left me.  Now I want to let them in.  Some will leave but others will stay and love me the way I’ve been craving for so long, yet never allowing anyone close enough to do it.

I have decided that I am going to be proactive in my life.  How am I going to do that?  Well, a number of ways... I am going to hang flyers up about my reflexology/reiki business.  I have them made and I am going to go print them today.  I am going to get an office for reflexology.  I am going to speak up and allow people to know me and make myself known.  I am going to make friendships happen.  I am letting Logan know who I am, what I really think and how I feel more so than I ever have before.  I will ask my mom questions about what she said that offended me instead of get quite and upset. 

This is going to be fun.

I’m hungry.  I want to eat something else.  Hmmm just finished my Cream of Rice.  So good btw, have you tried that stuff!!??  Hmmm 

Oh!  Teya is coming home soon!!  I miss that girl so much!  I want to convince her to move into my house with us :)  Shhhhhh 

Do yourself a favor and massage your feet some today!  It feels so good!  here's a diagram to explore your feet by <3

Still

Still

I still dream of you.  I see you behind closed eyelids, even when I can’t see you through open ones.  I see us walking together in Russia.  You are wearing a blue cloak and I a brown... leaving footprints in the snow.  Going where?  I don’t know.  Doesn’t seem to matter.

I see us standing on a golden platform hung by golden chains in the perfect balance.  We are both radiant blue light beings wrapped in an embrace that every heart yearns for.

I still dream of you.  Even though I have cut the cords between us over and over again.  You still come back.  I see us in a hotel lobby.  I am doing reflexology for your lovely companion.  I am doing energy work to encourage her path.  And when I leave I am overwhelmed with my own life and collapse outside.  You come and remove the blockage in my solar plexus and I am able to continue onward. 

I see us together as the fool and the world.  I see us together underground.  Perhaps it was a vapor cave of some sort.  In so many places, I see us.

I still dream of you.  I also still hear from you.  Not in any physical way.  I hear your voice in my head, like so many spirits I’ve talked to before you.  You always come in your pure, true, loving self.  You come with comfort and advice.  Sometimes you come just to tell me or show me a joke to make me laugh.  You visit me a lot.  Did you know that? 

I try to tell you to go.  I tell you that you don’t really want to be here or you would be here physically as well.  But you don’t go.  Even now I can feel your presence.  I tell you to leave.  I tell you that I have cut the cords and that I have done everything I can to separate myself from you.  So you leave for a few days only to return again... to my secret glee and to my hearts lament. 

I dream of you.  Yet, I have let everything go.  I will not hold on to you despite your strange hold on me.  I will let "what is" be what is.  I trust things are as they should be and I will learn to float through what life presents as a pianists fingers float over the keys of an arpeggio. 

Beloved

Listen to this as you read, if you so wish.

It’s time to say goodbye.... hmmm hm hm hmmmm hm hm

I love that song.  I love it almost as much as I love you.  I love your smile.  You face is one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen.  And it doesn’t even compare to how beautiful you are on the inside.  Your beautiful spirit can only partially be represented in your body.  I love the mess of your hair and the musk of your skin.  I love the magical, tender caress of your touch.  I could absolutely melt in your kisses, and in fact I have many times over.  You don’t need anything else when you can kiss like that.  I love our talks, discussions and heated debates.  The way we talk of ideas is something I crave more than chocolate.  I even love how unbearably hot it gets sleeping next to you; I know I will always be warm when you are beside me.  I love the way your laugh trickles and falls from your being like water through the mountain cascades.  The way the light dances in your deep blue eyes, the way they sparkle when you are about to tickle or tease me.  I could gaze into your eyes for decades.  

But that’s the problem.  I could go on like this forever and be completely happy..... if only.......  I know I have your love, I have your body, I have your company and your eternal friendship.... if only I had your heart.  But I may never have your heart, be that because it belongs to another or because you refuse to give it, it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have it and I don’t know I ever will.  I can’t go on like this.  I’ve chosen to whore myself out... for my own selfish reasons.  Sweetly, we used each other.  It was wonderful and I would do it again.  

I was once told that I have no business sleeping with someone I don’t want to have kids with.  I wouldn’t mind at all having your children.  I smile to think of you with a child.  You would be a wonderful father; any child would be lucky to call itself yours.  However, as you can see, I am a whole person and cannot separate my selfish self from my heart any longer.  So I must separate from you.  My heart has been yours once before and you loved it and took care of it to the best of your abilities.  You poured love and time and gentleness into it.  You adored it.  You helped me to see for myself what there is to adore.  I can never repay that kindness back to you in the same way it meant to me.  But you did not choose me; against logic you followed your heart... for the reason that your heart never fully rested completely with me.  Again, you do not choose me.  And that is why it’s time to say goodbye, my love.

I close my eyes and am swept away by the melody of this song and let a tear escape my eyelids.  I will miss you like the sky misses the stars.  I will miss you like the flower misses the rain.  I will miss you like the melody misses the music.  I will miss you like the ocean misses the shore, in which it rests and with which it crashes against in misty, playful gales of laughter.  I will miss you, but you aren’t gone.  For I know that I will always have your friendship and I will always carry a love for you in my heart.  I know that if I ever need anything you will be there to support me in love and caring words.  I know that I will always do that same for you.  But it’s time to stop this illusion.  It’s time to face reality.  It’s time for me to really know that you are not mine as I wish you to be, nor am I yours.  It’s time to say goodbye...

With all my love,

And with friendship offered for eternity, no matter what ensues,

Yours,

Erica.