Happy Birthday, Self!

My life is wonderful.  My soul is satisfied.  My friends are so amazing!! (past and present)  My work is fun.  My house is nice.  My bed is finally comfortable after 2 months of backaches.  My room is cozy.  My hands finally got to do another reflexology session after too long of not practicing.  My church is real and I can relax there.  My energy work is growing along with my spiritual practices.  My days are full of smiles, sunshine, sand, yoga, surfing, and good people.  I am so incredibly happy here.  My heart is alive.  My energy levels are higher than I thought they ever would be.  Being happy gives me energy, who knew?

I am working at a nice restaurant in Newport Beach.  The people there are wonderful.  The costumers are pretty great too.  I work at a place that I am proud to be a part of.  I’m proud to serve the food that tastes so amazing and I’m proud to be serving alongside a team that is all about teamwork as we all look out for each other.  I feel so incredibly lucky and God blessed that I found this place and that I got hired here.

Karrah and I are starting to get to know each other better and better and working on communicating about the hard things.  We are so incredibly different and yet the same.  I am blessed to be living with such a wonderful, giving, strong, human being.

I used to not like the beach much because I didn’t like how the sand stuck to me uncomfortably.  But it’s starting to grow on me... ooo weird.  It’s not growing on me, I’m not becoming the sand man.  Lol  But I like it.  I used to like when my car got muddy from driving up a muddy mountain road, because it made me feel a part of nature; rugged and wild.  And I’m starting to feel a part of nature too when there’s sand layered inside my car and stuck to my feet and all through my clothes.

A seal swam by me the other day when I was swimming at the beach closest to my house.  Another day, I sat on my surfboard and watched the sparkling, shimmery fish move beneath the waves.  And another day watched a dolphin swim by the row of surfers just off shore as I soaked up the sun and watched the birds dare the ocean waves to catch them as they ran away from them.

The sunset the other day was one of most magical moments of my life out here.  The colors stretched all the way across the pre-rain clouded skies.  The best part was being able to share it with my new friend, Ryan, who enjoys sunsets about as much as I do.  Without being self-conscious, we both were able to FREAK out about the oranges, yellows, reds, blues, purples... it made us late to a glow in the dark yoga class because we had to take some pictures.

One of my co-workers just moved out here about the same time I did.  She’s from Montana and she’s quickly becoming one of my favorite people.  I can laugh so much with her and she’s very similar to how I am.  I attribute it to the fact that we are both mountain girls that grew up in the “fly over states”.  There’s something special about mountain people!

I spent the night last week at Joshua Tree with Naomi and Jeremy and they were wonderful enough to let me climb a route with them before I had to go home.  Joshua Tree is so close to my house and such a wonderfully amazing desert wonderland.  The rock formations are scattered across the land like a giant playground for adults.  I felt like a lizard climbing all around on the sticky rocks.  

Sometimes I get very lonely out here.  I am making friends and staying busy doing the things I choose to do.  But my heart still aches sometimes.  It’s ok.  It’s ok to be sad sometimes and it’s ok to feel alone in the middle of a crowd.  However, I’ve had an epiphany.  It goes something like this.... “what if every time I think I’m lonely for someone’s company, I’m really just lonely for myself and/or lonely for God?”  I’ve started using my loneliness to indicate when I need to be more of an introvert and spend some time meditating, praying, painting, walking, or sitting and watching the sunrise light up this beautiful place that I’ve found to live.  The results are wonderful. 

This move has been scary for me.  I have felt many times that I wouldn’t be able to do this, that I was being stupid, that people would take advantage of how nice, giving and compassionate I am.  I have felt too many times to count that I wouldn’t be able to afford life, that I wouldn’t have enough money.  But you know... one of my life mottos has always been “go big or go home”!  And sometimes you have to risk it all to gain it all. 

Underneath every worry I’ve ever had I have the comfort in knowing that I am following my path and following God and that, because I am, I will be ok, no matter what... even when I fail, I will be ok. 

My birthday is next week.  And if I could have one birthday wish, it would be a place to practice Reiki Reflexology and classes to learn more about alternative healing.  I haven’t seemed to find anything yet, but I will.  I know that I honestly can’t go long without doing my passion, even if it’s giving it away.  I was born to do this.

Hmmm the ocean breeze in my hair, the sticky salt on my skin, the sun warming my heart and friends with whom to crack a smile.  This is home for the next year of my life.  Happy birthday, self! 

First day of surfing!

Remember that poem I wrote a couple blogs back?

It was kinda like that.  Except this time I had a surf board to manage too.  lol  I couldn't even sit on it very well!

I did paddle out past the waves though, but I think I cheated by waiting for the set to pass.  (The waves come in sets, and then there's a slight lull, who knew???)  It was still challenging to get out there though.  Jason said the waves were fairly big and to not ride the bigger ones.  So I avoided those like the plague.  (freaky)

As I was wriggling around trying to stay balanced I decided it was now or never.  So I turned my board and pointed it toward shore, got on my belly and started paddling.  The first 3 waves ran right under me despite my efforts.  But the 4th!!  WOO!  I rode that one on my belly, it was like body-surfing but WAY better!  I rode it almost all the way to the shore before I decided maybe it was good to get off the board before I broke the fins off of it.  lol

I decided to go back out and try some duck dives.... pshhhh yeah right.  How in the world do those work?  I dove under the wave just enough to get knocked off the board and swirled around a ton.  I tried a couple more times and then gave up.  Maybe I'm not diving deep enough?? I'll have to look up some tutorials online or something.

After getting tumbled a few times I decided to ditch the board and get acquainted with the sea.  Just the sea 'n me!  That was fun but oh my gosh.  Those waves crash over you and then tumble you and the current under them is doing something else and then there's another wave that crashes before you even get spit up from the last one.  Best thing to do is just no panic... apparently.

I plugged my nose once because that's my safety blanket in the water.  I got knocked under without grabbing a breath and then was held under longer than I wanted. So I pinched my nose shut.  But I pinched it too hard and my nose ring made my nose bleed.  Great!  Now I've done it, I'm gonna attract all the sharks!!  Time to get out.

It was a great first time, I wanna go again.  Maybe when the waves are a little less brutal.  Someday though this will be me:

www.surfgirlmag.com

In other news:  I got the job I wanted!!  I'm going to be a server at R + D Kitchen in Newport Beach! I'm stoked!  I gotta do my make-up and hair everyday though.  As my brother said, this jobs gonna make a lady out of me ;)

I'll trade traffic for the beach, please!

Good morning!

Sunrise was awesome... I was too groggy to think about taking pictures... so here's a pic with the sun blaring instead!

This is the bay near the beach where we went.

Woke up at 5:55 and headed to the "wedge".

They call it the wedge because of the way the land makes the surf come in.  It lends itself to waves that run diagonal to the beach.

There is a storm off the coast of mexico that is sending some good surf up our way... or perhaps scary surf is more like it!  :P

This picture isn't the greatest quality but that's what I get for having an ancient, nearly-dumb phone lol

I spent a couple hours exploring the beach areas and the places to surf.  The wedge was so cool.  There were a lot of people out to watch the guys drop in on some fairly big surf.  I'm sure it's not the biggest but it was the biggest I've seen, which isn't saying much since I grew up in a land locked state.  haha

This was my first "surfing lesson".  If I'm going to learn how to surf I gotta know what I'm getting myself into and what this even looks like in person rather than on tv or cartoons, like "Rocket Power"!

I learned to be able to hang with the guys on my snowboard.  I learned to hang with the guys in the weight room.  And I think I'm gonna try to learn to hang with the guys in the ocean too...

There are no girls out there as far as I could tell, and believe me, I was looking.

I've decided to look at places to live in Huntington Beach as opposed to LA.  I'm trading the traffic for the beach.

I'm loving this idea.  It will be like I live in perma-vacation.  You all will have to come and visit me.

We have just filled out an application for our 3rd place.  You know what they say, the 3rd times the charm.  This townhouse is located a mile from the beach and about the same to downtown.  It's a beautiful place, keep your fingers crossed for us!

Much love,

Signing off!

Again I gain

Big fish in a small pond

A big fish isn’t so big as the pond grows

And I’m not even a fish!

I'm just this kid standing on a phone booth 

I feel like I’m swimming

In the ocean

And I haven’t gotten the hang of it yet

Wave comes

I’m ready

Jump over

Got this!

I walk into the water further

These waves aren’t that big

Crash!

Where’d that wave come from

Strike!

I am bowled over

All my pins fell over with that one

I stand up on the sand beneath me

And shake myself off

Blow out the bits of water that crawled into my nose

Here comes another wave

I jump and let the water break over my belly

Laughing, I decide to go out into the water a little further

The water feels so good.

It’s so refreshing.
This ocean thing is something that I’m not used to

I needed to mix up my life.

I needed to be refreshed

I needed something new

I’m ready for the challenge of change

Another wave comes

I dive under

I’m in the same place I was just moments before

Now I can’t touch

I dip my nose into the water as my toe reaches for the unreachable sand

Salt water finds the void of my nostrils and rushes in

Salt water in my brain

I move my limbs to bring me above the surface again

Another wave comes

I haven’t snorted the water out of my nose yet

Do I go under or over this one?

Too late

It crashes over me and knocks me sideways

No wonder that little girl was crying when her older brother picked her up and carried her into the waves.

She tried to run back to shore before the wave got her but it was too late

It knocked her over too.

They are big and strong

They demand respect

They are not gentle with you as you learn

They do their thing regardless of whether you can breathe or not

Move or be moved

Use or be used

Another wave comes, I smile

I am determined not to be moved... too much....

The swell doesn’t break where I am

I smile.  Smugly

But the wave behind it crashes unto me before my mouth can fully form my smug smile

Again I am knocked over and spin in the wave

I feel like a shirt in the washer machine

I watch myself tumble until I am disoriented and full of sand

I barely have my wits about me

And another wave comes

This time I’m determined to use this wave

I start swimming as the wave breaks and it takes me to shore

Sand everywhere

In my swimsuit

I stand up and my girls are about to pop out of my bikini top

But at least now I can snort the water out of my nose and shake it out of my ears

I fix my suit and shake the sand and water off

My back is to the ocean

Another wave, bigger than I think it should be, hits the back of my knees

As if to say “you gotta watch your back out here, girl!”

I stumble forward a few steps

My eyes are burning from salt water

Is it tears or ocean?

Either way, I think I need to sleep

I spread out my towel over the sand and lay down

I drift into sleep

Ocean wave and children giggle lullaby

Sun blanket

Sand mattress

Arm pillow

I sleep for a while and then turn over

It’s a good thing I remembered to put on sunscreen

I do have a brain and I do know how to use it sometimes

Refreshed by sleep and vitamin D

I stand up and look at the waves again

Time to dive back in?

What is my goal?

Do I want to swim or just get wet to cool off?

Do I want to play with the waves or go out beyond them?

Do I want to find a surfboard and ride them?

Do I want to let the wave play at my feet where I am bigger than them?

These things are good to know.

What do I want?

Or do I want to just sit on the beach and read a book or sketch a picture?

I think I’ll do that.

For a while

Then I’ll get back in the water when I have the energy to deal with the waves and the purpose to play with the waves, whichever I decide.

I move my towel under an umbrella

And pull out my book and settle in to read

But instead I set my pencils next to me and decide to draw a picture of my new world

It’s really quite beautiful

It’s painful, yes.

It’s hard, yes.

It’s new and I don’t know what I’m doing... yet, yes.

But really out on the horizon, the blue water

Dancing with the golden rays of the sun

And closer to me, the white water laughing and bubbling high into the air

Just to crash back down into a whirl of giggling happy children

Seagulls squawk and bounce down the beach looking for food

Sandcastles tumble into the sea

And the colors!

At sunset

Pinks, Purples, Oranges, Yellows,

Blues, Whites and Greens in the water

Blues and Whites in the sky

Golds in the sunshine and sand

All Splashed with the hues of humanity.

It’s beautiful

And yet I cry because it’s hard

And yet I shake because I’m nervous

And yet I have a headache because I’m so stressed.

However, Also:

I cry because it’s beautiful

I shake because I’m excited

I have a headache because I laughed too hard

Take a breath

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try, again and again.

And again

Yet again

Again

A gain

Another gain

Again

A gain

Again I gain.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Santa Monica Pier at night

Go big or Go home!

Sometimes the first plan is the best one.  I had the idea of traveling up or down the west coast until I found a place to live and if I didn't find anything I would end up in Portland or LA.

A couple days after I got back to Colorado I was looking into moving to California.  One of my friends is being relocated out to LA.  So I decided to check out the job market.  I found an awesome family owned coffee shop in West Hollywood almost right away.  The job add sounded fantastic.  They were looking for someone with the right attitude and who would fit in.  They said they liked to laugh and have a good time but get their work done right and well.  They wanted someone who could do some latte art too and were willing to train someone to do latte art. .....!!!!

I had just finished remaking my barista resume earlier that day actually.  So all I had to do was write a cover letter.  With the help and encouragement of my wonderful mother, I got it done.  Then I got nervous about sending it in.  My mom said, "well the worst that can happen is that you get offered the job, and then you don't HAVE to take it if you don't want to."

Right.  Big breath... yeah why not?  I love Colorado but I gotta take a risk, I gotta leap and I gotta go find some adventures.  I had such a wonderful time in Colorado.  I almost wanted to stay.  There are so many people that I love and admire and who love and support me.  However, I knew that if I stayed I would grow restless again.  I got the opportunity to see almost everyone and bliss out on their company.  I was able to hunt mushrooms with Logan (one of my favorite things to do with him).  I hung out with my parents and watched the pro bikers race by and then went water bottle hunting afterwards.  I ate fresh, local, organic peaches soaked in cream.  And I made a peach raspberry pie to bring to a picnic at the park during a Pickin' in the Park concert!  All my favorite fall things.  I am completely happy with my time spent back home.

I sent in my resume and cover letter, and got a call back from the guy and we set up an interview for Sunday afternoon at 230.... in LA!!  I got that call Friday.  I packed up my car Saturday morning and started my drive to the coast.  I felt (and still feel) a little crazy.  I got nervous again.  And again my mom said just the right thing... "mom!  What if I don't get the job and I drive all the way out there for it??"  "Well," she said, "then print out some resumes and try to find something else, visit your friends, go to the beach and if all falls through then come home again."  ... ok, no big deal.  I can do that.

So I left my parents house with some new windshield wipers (because it was raining, Colorado cried as I left) and a car full of clothes, bedding and books.

As soon as I got to Utah it cleared up and even the rocks started pointing me west.

And the sun romanced me with beautiful rays and later sunsets.

I stopped in Las Vegas and stayed with a good friend from high school.  Then got up in the morning and had another nervous attack.  I didn't have a place to stay Sunday night and I felt SO-not classy after going out in Vegas the night before.  Everyone had perfectly cute and chic dresses on that were set off by a pair of heels.  Their hair was movie-star curled and makeup was caked on and perfect.  YIKES!  I so can not hang.  I was wearing flip-flops made of recycled materials and a dress I got from a clothing exchange.  I had only eye-liner and mascara on and my hair was in a low messy bun... wow.

I could see the shimmer of my eye-shadow in the reflection of my sunglasses as the morning sun hit my face.  My car was pointing west and I forbade myself to cry because then I would have to redo my makeup for my interview.  I was scared as I headed down a road I had never been down before.  I was scared when the only certainty in my life was uncertainty.  But I wasn't about to let that stop me, though it did slow me down some.  I talked to a couple friends sniffed up the tears trying to escape through my nose and pushed on the gas.

I got to the outter out skirts of LA and stopped at a shopping center to figure out where I was and where I was going.  I decided LA is like a can-can dancer.  LA is the body and then there are layers and layers of "skirts" and "out skirts".

I got to my interview with an hour to explore the area.  It seems cool.  Then I had my interview.  Oh my gosh!  The cafe is absolutely amazing!  Their coffee is wonderful and the people are even better.  It's a cozy little place right off sunset blvd and they say about 80% of the costumers are regulars or locals.  They also have house made chai and house made GELATO!!  This is where I want to work.  We talked and joked and I made a latte on their machine.  I attempted some latte art... but steaming the milk at sea level and with a different steamwand didn't do me any favors.  Despite my failed latte art attempts, he called me back today and asked me to come in for some more training and a trial run on Thursday!!!  :D

So today I spent about 9 hours on my computer looking into housing options, neighborhoods and different jobs and spas and ways I can do reflexology here in the city.  Tomorrow I will drive around and look at a few places and check out a couple real estate offices.

I go from being scared to be so excited and happy.  I feel alive.  I can be scared and I can still get a job and find a house and learn how I can do reflexology here.  I have amazing friends and amazing people who are praying for me and sending me love and support.  I'm willing to risk failure and I'm willing to fail a couple times as I figure my life out.  With the biggest risks come the biggest rewards.

Go big or go home!

Colorado Sunsets are the Best

I came back to the North Fork Valley to get my car.

I woke up Sunday morning at the Blues Event and thought to myself, "I am going to find a ride back to colorado today".  There are multiple reasons as to why I decided that I wanted my car.  A few being; I'm not going to travel out of country right now, I'm wanting to explore and find a new place to start my life, I knew somewhere deep down that I should have brought my car with me from the beginning, I am able to be freer, I feel at home in my car.... etc.

I was weighing all my options and all of them almost worked... they would have worked had I had my car with me.  So, the natural decision was... go get it!  However, I didn't want to take a leisurely long-ass time to get back to colorado.  So I looked into flying.  Last minute flights aren't the way to go...  they were 3 times the amount it cost me to get out to seattle.  So I decided on the necessary evil of driving, despite however long it would take.

So I walked down the hill from my tent and ran into some friends from Paonia.  I hadn't yet seen them.  I chatted with them for a bit and then they said they had to hit the road because they had to get the rental car back to Grand Junction by Monday....

Without barely thinking, I asked them if I could catch a ride with them.

All around amazing.  I got a ride back to Colorado, for the same amount as it took me to get out there.  We didn't dily-daly.  I had great company for conversations french-braiding-lessons, movie watching, sleeping, and reading.  And I now have my car.  :)

Colorado welcomed me home with an amazing sunset to match the amazing sunrise it sent me off with 3 weeks ago...

I spent the last day hanging out with my parents and catching up with a few friends.  I struggle with the idea that I failed at what I said I would do.  But I remind myself that failure is the road to success, therefore failure isn't a bad thing.  I also remind myself that it's ok to change my mind and choose to take a different route in my life.  Besides!  It's my life to live, my live to love, my life to choose and I can live it however I deem worthy.  And that's what I'm going to do.  <3

Patience is a virtue.... so they say.

I'm in a little tavern about a mile down the road from the Lookout Arts Query.  I feel as if I am in a totally different world here.... because I am.  One mile down the road the forest is alive with friendly, dancing, hippy, building, fun-loving people milling around doing what they do.  A dome was errected today near our epic outdoor kitchen where I climbed about 20ft off the ground to tether tarps for shade and rain protection.  We are planning on hanging a net in the top of our dome for cuddling and a makeshift dance floor below so we can dance under worn out, cuddling dancers and the stars.  There is a swimming hole on the other side of the road where people swim with the giant bullfrog tadpoles and jump off the 40 (ish) foot cliff to their delight (my terror).  Down the road is a warehouse with a springy dance floor that we dance in by night and the Query Folk do ariel silks by day.  Up the road is where my tent is.  It is placed next to a hammock which is strung 2 feet from a cliff edge over looking the swimming hole about 100 feet below.

And here I am in a tavern, internet, beer (so lovely), turkey and mashed potatos, a big screen tv airing a football game and me.  Not as magical.  But feels good to go for a walk and do a little introspection.

I am not going to Central America... have I said that yet in my blogs??  (i'm too lazy to go check right now)

So I'm trying to figure out what to do now.  The Northwest Blues Recess ends in about 3 days and I'm not sure what I'm going to do then.  I bought a one-way ticket to Seattle thinking I would be heading to C.A. from here.  So I have no car, no plans, and no idea as to what I want to do.  If nothing turns up in the next couple of days, then I will find a way back to Colorado and retrieve my car and figure out what to do from there.  I would like to travel still. But I don't want to deplete my savings.  Perhaps I'll find a job in another country or maybe I'll join peace corps.  Or who knows.

What I do know:
I want to be making money.
I want to work as a healer.
I want to follow Creator.
I want to learn more about healing.
I want people I love around me.
I don't want to be in western Colorado any more than I absolutely have to.
I want to learn aerial silks.
I want to create a life that I'm thrilled about.

Patience.  Patience is a virtue.  I sure hope so, because I am constantly reminding myself to take deep breathes and let go of the need to know what's going to happen.

View from the hammock on the edge :)  There is a floating dance floor down in the query.

Lessons Learned (In the last 2 weeks)

1. If i can keep detached from my hopes, expectations and dreams, then I am much happier with the way things turn out.

2. If I keep detached from my hopes, expectations and dreams, then my heart is closed.

3. If my heart is closed then I am cold and distant from people I love and from things I care about... On the one hand, it's nice.  I still enjoy everything to a certain extent and it's safer to play for my dreams because I don't really care if I get them or not.  One the other hand, I feel so numb and disconnected, and as if my heart doesn't exist at all.

4. Some people communicate so differently than what I am used to, specifically with the people they say they love and care about the most.  It is common for them to snap at and not listen/interrupt the people they care most about.  However, when with a complete stranger, they always smile and listen without interjecting.  That's confusing to me... (I have theories, but I'll save that for another time when I'm not as hurt by it and therefore can talk about it with an unbiased and unscathed perspective)

5.  I am craving physical touch that is in no way sexual.  I see that I am seeking that touch because I didn't get it when i was young, especially from my father.  I see that every man that I pursue or allow to pursue me, I am looking to heal that part of my past/heart.  I also see that men are not the ones that will heal it.  In fact, they most likely will re-traumatize that part of my heart over and over again.  I say this because that has been my heartbreaking pattern.  And I am now aware that I am the only one with the power to heal that hurt place in my heart, by letting the ultimate healer into my deepest desires and wounds and doing the work.

6.  People change depending on their surroundings and circumstances.  That's just how it is.  And it is good to see how people change to get a fuller picture of who they really are.

7.  People are so afraid of looking into their own pain and faults that they, therefore, would rather spend their time pointing out the pain and faults in others... and that doesn't mean that I have more pain and faults than the people around me.  It just means that I am being used as a scapegoat.  And that's ok.

8.  The more I realize that humanity shares predominately the same pain as I do... that it's not "my" pain, it's "the" pain, the more I have compassion and the more I want to be of service to the world.  Because as I work to heal others, then I, in turn, am healing myself.

9.  I value doing what I say and saying what I'll do.  And I lose respect for people who don't value that as well.

10. It's not wise to travel where the universe is not pointing me to.

11.  I am happiest when I can be helpful to others.  It gives me a purpose to my life.

12.  My consideration for others and my desires to be around the ones I care about can be perceived as "clingy", "needy", "insecure", "immature" and "codependent".  ... this one I'm not sure about.  It's making me stop and think.  Multiple people have told me the same thing, so I am deducting now that there must be some truth in it somewhere.  I don't see it yet, because from my perspective I am just loving, being considerate, respectful and fully enjoying their company.  But I hope I do see it and that can be changed.  Because I would much rather my intentions be perceived rather than what is being perceived right now.

13.  There is a spiritual realm.  There are spirits in pursuit of creation.  There are spirits in pursuit of destruction.  When I come in conflict with the spirits of destruction I can feel it, and sometimes they get really nasty with me.

14.  My network of friends, family, and supporters is one of the most amazing and valuable things in my life.  Thank you all for being there for me and loving me and telling me the hard things even when I make you feel bad for doing so.  I am so fortunate to have people in my lie that care about me.  <3

Ice Queen vs Fairyland Magic

It's time for another mesh of words to come pouring from my finger tips.  My life is a mixture of emotions and a sea of uncertainty.  I don't know what else to say.

I realize the power of choice.  No matter what happens I can choose how I see it, I can choose how I react to it.
That's what life is.

Plans altering
love aching
head dizzy
uncertainty looming
anger seething
dice rolling
heart bleeding
knives misbehaving
smile beaming
eggshells cracking
words faltering
worlds clashing
laughter spilling
feet dancing
suns setting
colors spilling
people milling
streets full
life full

Helping people matters.
What is life other than to be there for others and let others be there for you?

I fight the temptation to run and hide.  To live away from drama and to live away from people, who are more often than not, in my opinion, crazy.  To build myself a palace of ice with a mote of shards of deadly ice to keep others out.

I'm loyal to a fault.
I'm "too nice".
I only see the good in people.
And my skin is too thin.

.... I don't know how I've managed to stay so fairy-tail-esque for so long.  I choose to believe in the magic.


.... I must.

Time to Start my Exploration

It’s time.  Time for what?  Time to go.  Go where?  You'll see.  I’m still waiting on that answer and I’m already on the move and in Seattle.

I live my life following the path that is set before me by creator, my guide, my husband.  A couple months ago I was told during meditation and prayer that I need to start saving my money.  No matter how much I asked, I didn’t get anything more.  That’s all I knew, so I started saving. 

Then a little while later, I heard I was leaving at the end of July.  Where?  I asked.  Again, nothing.  All I knew was that I was supposed to go.

As time got closer to the end of July, I quit my 3 jobs and started giving away my things.  My goal was to get everything I owned to fit in my car.  That way when I decide to move someday in the future, it’ll be easier to do it.  (Except for my oak desk.  I love that thing and my parents are willing to help me out by letting it live at their house until further notice.)    I started going through my belongings and got rid of things that I didn’t absolutely love or need.  And then I made sure to get rid of the things that were attached to my past, for example, all the things my ex-boyfriends ever gave me and old manifestation paintings.  It felt good to down size so much.  However, it was an emotional ride for me.  I didn’t realize how attached I was to my things until I started going through them like a room full of prisoners, recklessly deciding who was going to die and who got to see the light of another day.  I felt like I was killing pieces of myself.  And in fact, I probably was, which is one of the reasons why I needed to do it.  This is a time for new beginnings.  A time to drop my baggage and fly … they’re charging for carry-ons now anyway.  haha  So, after many hours carefully going through my things like an executioner, I succeeded.  It might be a tighter squeeze into my car than I originally thought but it will all fit.

So again… where am I going?  Well, I have one target in mind that is a for sure thing.  The rest is still to be determined.  But I have ideas. 

My first stop on my travels is Seattle.  I’m here visiting a friend that I may be traveling with for a while.  We’re thinking Central America.  Though we’re both not sure we want to travel with each other yet.  Because we both would like to travel by ourselves.  Can you travel by yourself and with a partner at the same time?  I’m starting to wonder…  Anyway, I’m here to hang out with him and decide what we’re doing and perhaps make travel plans before I head to my next stop. 

My next stop is Bellingham WA.  There’s a partner dance event that I’m stoked to be attending and it is taking place in an old rock query turned circus playground.  There’s a swimming hole, art installments, juggling, aerial silks and dancing… lots of dancing!  I’m not sure how I’m going to get there yet, nor where to stay while “camping”.  But I do know it will work out.

After that is when things aren’t set in stone... not even sand yet. Haha.  My patience and trust are being tested.  I freak out and my guide says, “Do you trust me?  Do you trust yourself, Erica?”  I forget to trust sometimes.  Sometimes when I freak out and Creator puts something amazing in my path to assure me I’ll be alright.  I like it when that happens.

So now I’m in Seattle.  I visited the UW campus and went canoeing and swimming in the lake with Ray when I got here.  I met his family and my host.  I got acupuncture done for the first time ever.  WOW!  It was amazing.  I could feel my energy shift with the first needle.  I may just have to learn to be a practitioner someday… at least I’m thinking about it now.  I'm hanging out and recharging after a hectic time getting out here.

I am excited to see what else will happen.  I know that whatever comes up I will know what to do as long as I take the time to stop and listen and follow.  I was told that I would face hard times and that I must proceed with care.  And that’s what I will do. 

I have been facing roadblocks recently as I try to make plans.  It’s either not time to make plans yet or I am supposed to make other plans.  I’m not sure yet.  I will know when I need to know.  And when I do, I'll let you know too :)

Break. Free.

Hiding from the masses

Afraid of distastas

Hiding in the mix of pillows, sheets and skin.

Hoping I can mask this

Frail human task list

Hoping no one asks to look in.

I’m scared shitless

I’m freaked the fuck out

I’ve created a shit list

So I can begin to back out

We live out lives with the purpose of avoiding pain

Fearfully we’re seeking comfort, security, and gain

Don’t risk it! they say

Don’t fall off the cliff; don’t even think about jumping

Jump!

The wind in your hair,

Life then caresses your skin so fair

Breathless and free

Jumping off a cliff near the sea

Picture perfect and serene

Is it worth the risk to be free?

The sun setting on the edge of the earth

Staining the sky in deep gold, yellow and red

You’re so close to being dead

You’re falling close enough to taste the meaning of life.

Close to death makes life more bright.

But don’t risk it, they say.

Well, I say....

They’re scared shitless too.

But Why?

Why is it that to live is advised against?

Why is it that we allow ourselves to be forced to live in this false pretense?

Why is it that to love is to kiss the pitchfork of death?

Why is it that to risk success you’ll be devoured by wolves?

Why is it that in order to break free, I must break first?

Break.

Break. 

Snap. 

Crack.

Break.  Fall.  Splat.

Break. 

Break. 

Free?

And see

The real me

If I don’t first break

Free

Is that what scares me?

Me?

Me scares me.

Is that why I’m freaked the fuck out?

A grand adventure awaits

I’m choosing to live one of my dreams

I’m choosing to do it now and not to wait

For the perfect scenario to make it all seem...

Safe.

I’m stepping out in faith

That’s the purpose of the wedding band

On my left hand...

You know...

It serves as my reminder

I bought myself my wedding ring

Last July as a symbol of one main thing.

I was saving my money because I was afraid of being broke

I was desperate to marry because I was afraid I couldn’t cope

I needed a man to be my brains, money, comfort and hope

God told me to spend my money on a wedding ring

Do you trust me?  He says...

Do you trust that I am the one to take care of you?

The way you want a man to?

Yes, I said.

Then spend half your money on a wedding band

Become my queen

And I’ll give you everything.

So I did.

Now I choose to live as my ring states I believe...

That’s what gets me.

Live life in the fast lane.

On the edge of disasters

And then move even faster.

You may call it stupid

You may call me too risky

But I’m going to do it

And I’m going to be frisky

You can say I’m dumb

But this is what I call freedom

I’m choosing to jump!

I’ll jump off the cliff and land in the sea

I’m looking at the beauty and learning to love ME

I’m learning to shirk my umbrella and dance in the rain.

I’m choosing love lost is also love gained

I’m kissing the pitchfork and embracing the siege

I’m lying with the wolves and listening to them breathe

I’ve dared to dream

I’ve dared to scheme

I’ve dared to believe there’s more to life than just me.

So here I go.

I’m choosing to live out my dreams one dream at a time.

One jump at a time

Here I go

One break... and freedom’s mine!

One Step at a Time

Paonia finally feels like home.

And now it’s time to go.

I grew up in the most gorgeous western slope of Colorado.  And yet, I’ve had this uncanny urge to leave this place.  I want to explore!  (That was the first thing I wanted to be when I was a young; an explorer.)  Haha But for some reason, every time I’ve tried to leave I’ve always ended up returning.  Despite how badly I’ve wanted to live somewhere else, the longest stint of time away from Colorado was a 4-month trip to Peru.  I’ve prayed and meditated about it and every time I get the Philip Phillips song stuck in my head about “...just know you’re not alone, I’m gonna make this place your home.” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

I’ve resisted the idea that this place was going to be my home.  I thought it meant I would be trapped.  However, I decided to really embrace Paonia being my home and just sink in.  I have learned so by doing it.  I have had a chance to really work on multiple things that have come up in me.  And by making Paonia my home, I now have a “base” to jump from as well as a base to lovingly return to when I visit.

Most recently I’ve been praying again about moving and the part of the Philip Phillips song that comes into my mind now is “settle down, it’ll all be clear”.  This is what I hear every time I ask about what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go.  I don’t know the future.  And it’s ok.  My path will become clear, as I need to know where I’m going next and what I need to do next.  A journey is taken one step at a time.  And I choose to trust that each step will become clear, as I need to take it.

One light step at a time

So this is my timeline right now: (may change)

I just told one of my employers that my last day would be July 21^st. 

In the meantime I will be making and saving as much money as possible, working at 2 festivals, doing reflexology sessions and working where I’m needed. 

I’m having a yard sale on July 11^th as well as selling some of my things online.

I am taking a workshop to learn how to do Osteo-alignment July 13th.

I am making a business card to take with me about my services in reflexology, reiki and Oseo-alignment.

I may go to China for a little bit July 22 – August 1 (pending on monetary support)

I will go skydiving with my family between now and when I head out.

And then I’m either packing up my car and driving to Bellingham WA or I will be flying there.  I am planning on staying in Seattle for a time as well as going to a dance event in the middle of August.

My plan from there is open.  I have so many dreams and there’s time for each one of them.  I will travel for a time and then I will know whether I am to keep traveling and I will figure out a way to do that, or I will know where I want to take up residence.  Either way, it’ll be a grand adventure!

And so it’ll be :)

I love working at my coffee shop

I woke up this morning so groggy.  I’ve been working 6 days a week anywhere between 40 and 50 hours, which in all honesty is perfect.  It affords me time to hang out with my roommates and friends, I can go to the local brewery and listen to live music and still do all the yard work and house cleaning that I must do to keep my rent low.

However, I am tired sometimes.  And this morning was one of those tired times.  I even had a couple shots of espresso, and still I’m groggy.  I have been playing with the idea that I hide from my emotions by sleeping...  So whenever I get tired/exhausted/sleepy, I’ve been checking in with myself to see if there is something that I’m feeling that is not quite present to my conscious mind.  And more often than not I realize that I am sad or frustrated or angry at some thing or another. 

When I am emotional it’s so nice to have someone to talk to or in my case to hash out why I am indeed feeling emotional.  It’s also nice to be reminded to stay present in the moment and feel those emotions.  The coffee shop affords me both of these things.  I must stay present in order to know what I’m doing and remember drinks and do them well.  But I also, LOVE how many friends, old and new, come into the coffee shop and chat with me.  I love when they sneak behind the counter to give me a hug.  I love when they tell me I look nice today.  And I love when they sit and chat with me at the counter between customer rushes, and I love the conversations we have.  Thank you to everyone who comes and sits and chats with me at the Backcountry Coffee :)  <3

Another reason I love working at the coffee shop is that I love to make latte art and to make my drinks super tasty! 

I’m not this good yet, but these are things I aspire too! 

what would you do if there was no risk of failure?

I hope you got that I was making fun of myself yesterday.  I do have those thoughts and I do fight with them.  My purpose for this blog is to be raw and real and talk about what’s really going on for me.  I don’t want to create a picture of myself that is fake and fabricated.  With that being said, I don’t want to do any emotional ranting today, either.  That’s real and that’s where I’m at again.  I like to intellectualize my emotions.  And that’s what I’ve been doing today.  I’m up in my head.  I like it there.  It’s safe.  I’m afraid of feeling emotions that are scary and powerful.

I am feeling more grounded and “put together”.  I can’t decide if that’s a good thing to be so “put together” because I see that as being in my head and not in my body, but nevertheless I’m there.  And that’s ok. 

It’s amazing how thoughts can affect the way I create my life and how I see myself.  Why do I struggle with not being good enough?  Why do I think that I am not able to attract the guy of my dreams?  Why do I think that I am lacking?  Why do I believe that I can’t take care of myself on my own?  Why????  I don’t understand.  What’s really going on for me?  Where do these doubts come from? 

People tell me that I am amazing.  They say that I can attract whomever I please.  They say that I’m beautiful.  They say that I am capable.  They say that I can do whatever I like if I put my mind to it.

I look at this and want to believe them.  But I don’t.  I think you all are bullshitters.  Why?  This is what I am getting about myself (again):

I don’t know what I want....... sigh.

I know I want something pretty.  I know I want someone kind, committed and of equal mind.  I know I want to feel capable.  But none of that is specific.  Also, I don’t actually go after that stuff.  I, for some crazy reason, choose to go after men who are unavailable and afraid of commitment.  I choose to do careers where I can’t seem to quite make it happen.  I choose to always have a backdoor/a way out/play small/only commit 75%, so that I can say “well I didn’t give it my all, and that’s why it didn’t work out”... because I’m terrified of giving it my all and still failing.  It’s safe to say that I didn’t give it my all because then I can believe that I would have succeeded had I done that.  Whereas the other way, when I fail I actually failed.  I couldn’t do it.  That sucks.  I’ve done that before and I was heart broken for weeks.  So therefore I have an aversion to giving it my all.  I used that experience to reinforce my belief that if I give it my all it won’t affect the outcome anyway.  I want to succeed.  I want to master my goals.  ....

“Failure is the road to mastery”...  so Coach Pete says.  So herein lays another debate I have with myself.  Why am I so afraid to fail?  I’m so afraid that I don’t even take the first step toward risk, if I think I might fail.  Do I think that if I fail, then I am a failure...??  I must.  It’s the only answer I see for myself.

Ok, so here’s the next question I ask myself:  What would I do, if there was no risk of failure?

Oh man..... I’m not completely sure.  I get anxious in deciding because my question doesn’t really trick my brain.  Because I believe that if I answer that question, then I should go do whatever it is I say that I would do and I’m afraid that I might fail, that I might not really want to do that after all... that I might fail myself and change my mind and change my resolve.

This is my thought process and this is crazy town and crazy thoughts.  Frustrating.  Confusing.  Stalls me out.  Keeps me from the cliffs of risk.  Keeps me unhappy.  Maybe I’m addicted to being unhappy and unsuccessful.  Maybe that’s really what’s going on for me...

Gosh, I’m still just confusing myself.

Ok, here’s time for you to respond to this.  Two things I want to know:

1.)  Is there anything that you want me to get after reading my sharing of my heart and confused poor noggin?

2.)  What would you do if there was no risk of failure?  And do you feel free to do it?  Or do you feel pressure to succeed and therefore, avoid doing it, like me?