Oh gosh..... .... .... ... . .. . .....

Most Embarrassing Story of My Week

At the Bistro.  The Bistro is a classy, upscale tapas restaurant by night and a fun social gathering coffee shop by day.  Thursday night.  The place is dead.  Paula and I are sitting down at one of the tables eating some lobster raviolis that needed to be eaten up.  Delicious raviolis.  Well, actually the homemade alfredo sauce is the most delicious part about them.  I could be eating low rung raviolis and it would still taste amazing!  We’ve been open for an hour.  Paula and I are done eating and are talking about life and complaining about stupid people.  Then laughing about this, that or the other thing.  It’s nice.

I have to use the bathroom.  I can feel pressure building in both “#1 and #2”.  It’s getting bad but sometimes I’m too lazy to walk my butt to the bathroom.  Though, it would be nice to use it before a customer comes in and I get too busy to sneak away to “drop some kids off at the pool”.  So I get up and help clear off the table we use and because I’m lazy I decide to use the customer bathroom rather than walk the 15 steps to the staff bathroom in the back.

I sit down and a gush of pee comes pouring out and quickly to follow, there’s a couple splashes.  The bathroom is flooded with the smells of the food processed through a human digestive system.  Ahhh!  Gotta love it!  No sooner do I notice the stink do I hear the bell ring on the front door.  Of course, I think to myself, they come in as soon as I decide to relieve myself.  I look up and notice that my door isn’t locked.  Better lock that.  I reach up and go for the button to push the lock.

To my horror, the door opens before I can push the button!!!  A big man that I’ve never seen before pops his head around the door to come in.  Uh!! Oh! Sorry, ‘scuse me, I mutter.  His eyes pop out of his head and he quickly shuts the door.  Oh my god!  I lock the door.  I have to serve him food later... crap.  Speaking of crap the bathroom smells of crap too, and there’s no way to get the smell out very quick.

I finish my business and wash my hands and head out of the bathroom.  Making sure to turn on the fan and shut the door on my way out.  I see him standing at the counter waiting for service.  Sorry.  We both say to each other when our eyes meet.  Then he realizes that I am his server.  I’m positive this guy is not impressed with me at all!!  And to my horror, again, he walks back to the bathroom.  It stinks in there.  Women only fart roses and butterfly’s right... well not this woman.  God I was so embarrassed!  Oh man.  Facepalm!

Lesson = always ALWAYS use the staff bathroom!!!  ESPECIALLY when you are going to stink it up!!!  Ugh.... lol

Just A List

1. I'm turning crazy!!!! ah!!!  I've had a belief that being the stereotypical "crazy women" (you know, irrational emotions and emotions/feelings/whims that switch SO FREAKING fast, that kinda crazy) would be the worst injustice I could do as a woman to the whole female race.  So I avoided it like the plague.  Now that I decided to feel my emotions and be in my body more and more, I'm realizing I am that "crazy woman"... oh crap, I was told yesterday that I'm not being "crazy" I'm just being "woman".  So rephrase:  I'M TURNING WOMAN!!!

2. My computer got updated.  Now I have to slide my fingers in the wrong direction to get my internet page to scroll up or down.  Very perplexing.

3. My house feels like an old person house.  Anyone have an extra gray-old-lady wig?  I think I'm going to stop trying to make the house blend in with me and stop trying to modernize it (it's such a freaking hard battle) and I'm going to just blend in with it now.  I need a walker too.  Let me know if you have an old lady dress I can have too.

3.5.  The next step is getting a collection of wigs and making everyone who comes to visit wear one when they step into my house.

4.  I have the best boyfriend!  He's likes me even though I'm becoming a "woman" (reference #1) and even though I just said mean things about him.  Also, if it wasn't for him I think I would be on the road to becoming more and more fake instead of on the road to embracing and loving who I am.  Logan you rock!!  <3

5.  People are stupid sometimes.  (actually I just use what they do to allow myself to feel justified in being upset or offended)

6.  My back hurts.  Like my lower back.  I'm not sure why.  I did something to it at the gym on Wednesday.  It hurts so bad that I can't push any poop out.  I have to just sit on the toilet and hope that gravity is strong enough to relieve my full intestines.

7.  TMI is fun.

8. is my favorite number, other than 24 and 42.

9.  I"M GOING TO THE EAST COAST IN APRIL FOR THREE WEEKS!!!! AH!!!  I'm not sure when the dates are but I'm going to spend a week of my time in NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm going with Logan!!!  I"M SO EXCITED!!!!!  We're going to go on adventures in the city.  I'm already planning them all!!  <3 eeeeeeeeeeeee

9.5.  I'm going to be in NYC!  I'm going to see my soul sister, Elizabeth Woods-Darby.  And I so wanna see my college friends too!!!  You hear that guys!?  We're going to hang out whether you like it or not!!  <3

10.  I woke up sweating twice last night.  Like soaked.  I wasn't even cuddling with Logan, which is usually why I get too hot when I sleep.  My body is weird with it's temperature regulation when I sleep.

11.  I love working at Backcountry Bistro!!

12.  All ya'll, is fun to say.

14.  I'm like a hotel.  There is no 13th floor.

13.  Just kidding.

15.  I miss Jenna and Isaac.  They left the valley and are going on an epic adventure.  It's going to be so sweeeeet and awesome!  But they are cool and I want them to hang out with me all the time!

16.  I suck at staying in contact with my best-friend/friend-soul-mate.  She only lives 1.5 hours from me and I never go visit.  I'm a terrible human being.  I'm going to change that. (someone keep me accountable)  I have to figure something out.  I miss her so hard core.  I wish we were roommates again.  We always have the best adventures and laugh a lot.  I love playing "gotcha" with her!  She's a really good writer too and so fun to be around, even if all we do is read books together!  She, also, was the best fashion coach I ever had!  Chloe Burton you're my favorite memory and I'm going to make you more than a memory, again!  I'll see you Saturday.  Also, you'd be proud to know I now own 3 pairs of skinny jeans!  haha

17.  I'm going to go eat dinner now.

18.  I'm going to leave my filter outside under the bushes.  So if I ever need it again, I'll know where to find it.  But it's more fun to leave it behind.

19. LOVE is all you need.  bum-ba-ba-da-dum.  Love is all you need, need.  Yeah, love is all you need.

20.  I wanna watch Moulin Rouge again.

21.  Ok, I'm done.  (i'm over 21.  I'm going to drink beer with my dinner.)

Being In Truth Means Simply Being Yourself

He likes me for me.

He likes my imperfect body.

And not because I hold myself like Queen Latifa or a prima donna.

Nor look like a model, rock star or Miss Madonna.

He likes me for me.

It doesn’t matter if my clothes aren’t right or my hair isn’t done.

It doesn’t matter if my emotions stay tight or if they come undone.

He likes me for me.

He likes that I want to go explore new places.

He loves that I go find magical spaces.

He wants me to be me.

He doesn’t care if my house is organized and clean.

He still treats me like a queen.

He enjoys how my joyful giggles swell.

And he doesn’t mind how I smell or don’t smell

Because every smell is me.

He loves how I am, because he likes me for me.

It doesn’t matter that I remind him of his past girlfriend

It doesn’t matter that I’m not enough like his past other one.

It only matters that I am me,

Because he likes me for me.

I like to go on walks.

I like to explore the city blocks.

I like when we have our long talks.

I like getting jewelry in gift boxes.

I like collecting pretty rocks.

And I like making forts out of old boxes.

He likes doing things with me

Because he likes me for me.

He loves my smile.

He loves all my laughs.

He could walk with me for mile after mile.

Just to here me laugh every once in a while.

I don’t have a box I have to fit inside

I don’t have to match an idea.

There’s nothing he would have me change.

He doesn’t care if others think me strange.

He likes me for me.

And.....I like me for me.....

I like me for me.

I don’t have to change for him to like me.

It’s ok if I don’t dress right

If my jeans aren’t tight

If I don’t greet him quite right

Or if sometimes I get intimate stage fright.

I like me for me.

I can be as pretty as the movie stars

I can be terrible at playing guitars.

I can be numb and I can be alive

I can choose which car to test drive.

Because I am who I choose to be

I like me for me

I don’t care if I want my kitchen is spotless

I don’t care if at times I’m thoughtless

When I think I shouldn’t be.

It’s how I am sometimes

And I like me for me.

I want to be real.

I want to find out who I am.

I want to feel.

And I want to make homemade strawberry jam!

I like what I’m finding

I like that I’m failing

I like that I’m succeeding.

Because I like me for me.

I like me for me.

It’s ok that sometimes I’m depressed.

It’s ok that sometimes I wait all day to get dressed.

It’s ok that I have scars on my arms from my own doing.

And it’s ok that at times I am my own undoing.

I’m becoming friends with who I am.

I choose to see myself as perfect in imperfection.

I am my own best friend.

I can take myself out on the town for the night.

I am my own best boyfriend.

My arms will keep me warm through the long and frightful night.

I like me for me.

I like that I am insecure and I am trying to convince myself I’m fine in my poetry.

I like that I am the main character in all my stories.

I like life and I like that it’s difficult

I like that it’s fun and I like that I’m not cynical

I chose to allow myself the space to be me.

I chose to take the pressure off to be anything else.

Being in truth means simply being yourself.

I won’t try to be anyone else.

Pick Your Poison

I was looking through my computer just now and found this old journal entry/stream of consciousness from April 14, 2011 and thought it mighty appropriate for what I'm feeling and what's going on in my life right now.  Funny how that works.

Thought I'd post it publicly....

I want to be real

Some people choose to believe in a world in which there is a possibility of perfection.  They choose to ignore the mistakes of their fellow man and the mistakes they themselves make.  Take yourself back, if you will, to the question of a tree falling in the woods and if no one is there to hear it crash does it then fall silently?  If you choose to ignore the crash, then do you negate the sound into nonexistence?  Conversely, if you ignore what you believe to be unfavorable, does that create a world of perfection?  ....Or just a delusion?  Now when I put it this way, it makes it sound like a delusion is a negative thing.  But who am I to say whether something is negative or positive.  What really matters here is the pursuit of reality.  I want to be real.  I want to live in reality.  I want to embrace what it means to live and to live abundantly.  In the Bible, Jesus says that he came to give life abundantly.  Isn’t that what we all really want?  Don’t we all want to be free to be real?  I don’t know if I have ever met any one person who likes to live behind a wall of make believe and never really know themselves or let anyone in close enough to get behind said wall.  We, humans, are social creatures and need to have that human interaction; we need to need to know the presence of reality. 

            That leads me to the question that I have been debating for the last 4 years of my life.  What is real?  Which leads me to more questions like: What does it mean to be real?  What is reality?  Is it possible to have a reality into which everyone fits and everyone understands?  In fact, aren’t these the questions of all great minds over the eons? 

            The context that I have been debating most heavily on is the idea of being real in the context of relationships.  However, isn’t that the basis of life and of living in general?  Define life to me if it is not about relationships.  You have a relationship with everything and everyone.  If you think about it, you have a relationship with your car, snowboard, mom, dad, brother, friend, lover, room... etc.  Some sort of relationship exists with all things everywhere.  Therefore, I want to explore how to be real in relationships.

I believe in a simple reality.  A reality that exists in the present.  For, there is no other reality.  The only way to be real is to be completely present.  That is easier said than done because there is such a thing as a time line.  Every one of us has a past and every one of us has a future.  These are very distracting concepts when you try living fully in the present. 

            It is hard to be present in all things.  There is this thing called justice.  It does not always rain evenly on life nor in the way we think it needs to.  So therefore, the past or the future or our wall becomes a very good place of sanctuary.  However, I’m not sure how safe that sanctuary really is.  Based on my experience so far, the only way that I can be sure of safety is to completely wall myself off, which I think is utterly impossible.  Because I have people in my life that are closer to me than any wall ever could be.  Also, like I stated earlier, people are social creatures and need to have interaction with other humans.  Therefore, a completely sealed wall will, at some point, be breached no matter what anyone says or does to the contrary.  Therefore, if my sanctuary has a fault in it already, why do I continue to hide there?  Why does anyone continue to hide there?  I think its because it does offer some relief for the time being.  But it then will inhibit you to live in the present and therefore will hamper your ability to be real.  Choose your poison; Inability to be real vs real life affecting you in a real sense.  Embrace the rollercoaster of today or the guarded stability of a façade that may blow up in the end.

            Now I could go back and edit this whole stream of consciousness to persuade whoever may read this to one idea or another.  But the truth of the matter is that both options sound great in different circumstances.  I don’t always want to be present.  There are times when I really want to hide from the world.  I have tried finding a hole that I can crawl into that will swallow me whole and spit me out into a different place and time away from all my troubles.  Sometimes I can find a hole that will cradle me for a while, but then (here it comes) I have to go back to reality at some point, and it’s never pretty.  I have to accept how my life is weaving itself to be and I have to figure out a way to cope with it. 

So why ever go and hide in the first place?  Why, because it is easier to hide away until you can get your wall back up or get your feet under you enough to pretend you are happy and perfect again.  No one wants to deal with troubles in front of other people.  Wouldn’t it be so freeing to be able to live wide open and let people know what is happening with you?  Yes, it would, however, the problem with that idea is that there are too many people who have been hurt and have been living in a place of sanctuary that they don’t understand what it is to live real anymore.  Therefore a lot of people will more than likely slam you for being real.  What a pity.  But a truth I’ve experienced.  Sadly.  So again I say, pick your poison.

            Sad to say that there hasn’t really been much of a conclusion in this eons old debate and discussion.  One must find out what it is to be real for oneself.

            To fall is not to fail.  You fail when you don’t try.  If I get up I might fall back down again.  So let’s get up, come on.

The joy is being alive to it and working through it...

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Just thought this picture would be fun to put on this post.

Random photo shoot from college