Thursday, July 31, 2014

Time to Start my Exploration

It’s time.  Time for what?  Time to go.  Go where?  You'll see.  I’m still waiting on that answer and I’m already on the move and in Seattle.

I live my life following the path that is set before me by creator, my guide, my husband.  A couple months ago I was told during meditation and prayer that I need to start saving my money.  No matter how much I asked, I didn’t get anything more.  That’s all I knew, so I started saving. 

Then a little while later, I heard I was leaving at the end of July.  Where?  I asked.  Again, nothing.  All I knew was that I was supposed to go.

As time got closer to the end of July, I quit my 3 jobs and started giving away my things.  My goal was to get everything I owned to fit in my car.  That way when I decide to move someday in the future, it’ll be easier to do it.  (Except for my oak desk.  I love that thing and my parents are willing to help me out by letting it live at their house until further notice.)    I started going through my belongings and got rid of things that I didn’t absolutely love or need.  And then I made sure to get rid of the things that were attached to my past, for example, all the things my ex-boyfriends ever gave me and old manifestation paintings.  It felt good to down size so much.  However, it was an emotional ride for me.  I didn’t realize how attached I was to my things until I started going through them like a room full of prisoners, recklessly deciding who was going to die and who got to see the light of another day.  I felt like I was killing pieces of myself.  And in fact, I probably was, which is one of the reasons why I needed to do it.  This is a time for new beginnings.  A time to drop my baggage and fly … they’re charging for carry-ons now anyway.  haha  So, after many hours carefully going through my things like an executioner, I succeeded.  It might be a tighter squeeze into my car than I originally thought but it will all fit.

So again… where am I going?  Well, I have one target in mind that is a for sure thing.  The rest is still to be determined.  But I have ideas. 

My first stop on my travels is Seattle.  I’m here visiting a friend that I may be traveling with for a while.  We’re thinking Central America.  Though we’re both not sure we want to travel with each other yet.  Because we both would like to travel by ourselves.  Can you travel by yourself and with a partner at the same time?  I’m starting to wonder…  Anyway, I’m here to hang out with him and decide what we’re doing and perhaps make travel plans before I head to my next stop. 

My next stop is Bellingham WA.  There’s a partner dance event that I’m stoked to be attending and it is taking place in an old rock query turned circus playground.  There’s a swimming hole, art installments, juggling, aerial silks and dancing… lots of dancing!  I’m not sure how I’m going to get there yet, nor where to stay while “camping”.  But I do know it will work out.

After that is when things aren’t set in stone... not even sand yet. Haha.  My patience and trust are being tested.  I freak out and my guide says, “Do you trust me?  Do you trust yourself, Erica?”  I forget to trust sometimes.  Sometimes when I freak out and Creator puts something amazing in my path to assure me I’ll be alright.  I like it when that happens.

So now I’m in Seattle.  I visited the UW campus and went canoeing and swimming in the lake with Ray when I got here.  I met his family and my host.  I got acupuncture done for the first time ever.  WOW!  It was amazing.  I could feel my energy shift with the first needle.  I may just have to learn to be a practitioner someday… at least I’m thinking about it now.  I'm hanging out and recharging after a hectic time getting out here.

I am excited to see what else will happen.  I know that whatever comes up I will know what to do as long as I take the time to stop and listen and follow.  I was told that I would face hard times and that I must proceed with care.  And that’s what I will do. 


I have been facing roadblocks recently as I try to make plans.  It’s either not time to make plans yet or I am supposed to make other plans.  I’m not sure yet.  I will know when I need to know.  And when I do, I'll let you know too :)


Friday, July 18, 2014

Break. Free.


Hiding from the masses
Afraid of distastas
Hiding in the mix of pillows, sheets and skin.
Hoping I can mask this
Frail human task list
Hoping no one asks to look in.

I’m scared shitless
I’m freaked the fuck out
I’ve created a shit list
So I can begin to back out

We live out lives with the purpose of avoiding pain
Fearfully we’re seeking comfort, security, and gain
Don’t risk it! they say
Don’t fall off the cliff; don’t even think about jumping

Jump!

The wind in your hair,
Life then caresses your skin so fair
Breathless and free
Jumping off a cliff near the sea
Picture perfect and serene
Is it worth the risk to be free?
The sun setting on the edge of the earth
Staining the sky in deep gold, yellow and red
You’re so close to being dead
You’re falling close enough to taste the meaning of life.
Close to death makes life more bright.

But don’t risk it, they say.
Well, I say....
They’re scared shitless too.
But Why?
Why is it that to live is advised against?
Why is it that we allow ourselves to be forced to live in this false pretense?
Why is it that to love is to kiss the pitchfork of death?
Why is it that to risk success you’ll be devoured by wolves?
Why is it that in order to break free, I must break first?

Break.

Break. 
Snap. 
Crack.
Break.  Fall.  Splat.
Break. 

Break. 
Free?
And see
The real me
If I don’t first break
Free

Is that what scares me?
Me?
Me scares me.
Is that why I’m freaked the fuck out?

A grand adventure awaits
I’m choosing to live one of my dreams
I’m choosing to do it now and not to wait
For the perfect scenario to make it all seem...
Safe.
I’m stepping out in faith
That’s the purpose of the wedding band
On my left hand...
You know...
It serves as my reminder

I bought myself my wedding ring
Last July as a symbol of one main thing.
I was saving my money because I was afraid of being broke
I was desperate to marry because I was afraid I couldn’t cope
I needed a man to be my brains, money, comfort and hope
God told me to spend my money on a wedding ring
Do you trust me?  He says...
Do you trust that I am the one to take care of you?
The way you want a man to?
Yes, I said.
Then spend half your money on a wedding band
Become my queen
And I’ll give you everything.
So I did.

Now I choose to live as my ring states I believe...
That’s what gets me.
Live life in the fast lane.
On the edge of disasters
And then move even faster.

You may call it stupid
You may call me too risky
But I’m going to do it
And I’m going to be frisky
You can say I’m dumb
But this is what I call freedom
I’m choosing to jump!
I’ll jump off the cliff and land in the sea
I’m looking at the beauty and learning to love ME
I’m learning to shirk my umbrella and dance in the rain.
I’m choosing love lost is also love gained
I’m kissing the pitchfork and embracing the siege
I’m lying with the wolves and listening to them breathe
I’ve dared to dream
I’ve dared to scheme
I’ve dared to believe there’s more to life than just me.
So here I go.
I’m choosing to live out my dreams one dream at a time.
One jump at a time

Here I go
One break... and freedom’s mine!