Beloved

Listen to this as you read, if you so wish.

It’s time to say goodbye.... hmmm hm hm hmmmm hm hm

I love that song.  I love it almost as much as I love you.  I love your smile.  You face is one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen.  And it doesn’t even compare to how beautiful you are on the inside.  Your beautiful spirit can only partially be represented in your body.  I love the mess of your hair and the musk of your skin.  I love the magical, tender caress of your touch.  I could absolutely melt in your kisses, and in fact I have many times over.  You don’t need anything else when you can kiss like that.  I love our talks, discussions and heated debates.  The way we talk of ideas is something I crave more than chocolate.  I even love how unbearably hot it gets sleeping next to you; I know I will always be warm when you are beside me.  I love the way your laugh trickles and falls from your being like water through the mountain cascades.  The way the light dances in your deep blue eyes, the way they sparkle when you are about to tickle or tease me.  I could gaze into your eyes for decades.  

But that’s the problem.  I could go on like this forever and be completely happy..... if only.......  I know I have your love, I have your body, I have your company and your eternal friendship.... if only I had your heart.  But I may never have your heart, be that because it belongs to another or because you refuse to give it, it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have it and I don’t know I ever will.  I can’t go on like this.  I’ve chosen to whore myself out... for my own selfish reasons.  Sweetly, we used each other.  It was wonderful and I would do it again.  

I was once told that I have no business sleeping with someone I don’t want to have kids with.  I wouldn’t mind at all having your children.  I smile to think of you with a child.  You would be a wonderful father; any child would be lucky to call itself yours.  However, as you can see, I am a whole person and cannot separate my selfish self from my heart any longer.  So I must separate from you.  My heart has been yours once before and you loved it and took care of it to the best of your abilities.  You poured love and time and gentleness into it.  You adored it.  You helped me to see for myself what there is to adore.  I can never repay that kindness back to you in the same way it meant to me.  But you did not choose me; against logic you followed your heart... for the reason that your heart never fully rested completely with me.  Again, you do not choose me.  And that is why it’s time to say goodbye, my love.

I close my eyes and am swept away by the melody of this song and let a tear escape my eyelids.  I will miss you like the sky misses the stars.  I will miss you like the flower misses the rain.  I will miss you like the melody misses the music.  I will miss you like the ocean misses the shore, in which it rests and with which it crashes against in misty, playful gales of laughter.  I will miss you, but you aren’t gone.  For I know that I will always have your friendship and I will always carry a love for you in my heart.  I know that if I ever need anything you will be there to support me in love and caring words.  I know that I will always do that same for you.  But it’s time to stop this illusion.  It’s time to face reality.  It’s time for me to really know that you are not mine as I wish you to be, nor am I yours.  It’s time to say goodbye...

With all my love,

And with friendship offered for eternity, no matter what ensues,

Yours,

Erica.