what would you do if there was no risk of failure?

I hope you got that I was making fun of myself yesterday.  I do have those thoughts and I do fight with them.  My purpose for this blog is to be raw and real and talk about what’s really going on for me.  I don’t want to create a picture of myself that is fake and fabricated.  With that being said, I don’t want to do any emotional ranting today, either.  That’s real and that’s where I’m at again.  I like to intellectualize my emotions.  And that’s what I’ve been doing today.  I’m up in my head.  I like it there.  It’s safe.  I’m afraid of feeling emotions that are scary and powerful.

I am feeling more grounded and “put together”.  I can’t decide if that’s a good thing to be so “put together” because I see that as being in my head and not in my body, but nevertheless I’m there.  And that’s ok. 

It’s amazing how thoughts can affect the way I create my life and how I see myself.  Why do I struggle with not being good enough?  Why do I think that I am not able to attract the guy of my dreams?  Why do I think that I am lacking?  Why do I believe that I can’t take care of myself on my own?  Why????  I don’t understand.  What’s really going on for me?  Where do these doubts come from? 

People tell me that I am amazing.  They say that I can attract whomever I please.  They say that I’m beautiful.  They say that I am capable.  They say that I can do whatever I like if I put my mind to it.

I look at this and want to believe them.  But I don’t.  I think you all are bullshitters.  Why?  This is what I am getting about myself (again):

I don’t know what I want....... sigh.

I know I want something pretty.  I know I want someone kind, committed and of equal mind.  I know I want to feel capable.  But none of that is specific.  Also, I don’t actually go after that stuff.  I, for some crazy reason, choose to go after men who are unavailable and afraid of commitment.  I choose to do careers where I can’t seem to quite make it happen.  I choose to always have a backdoor/a way out/play small/only commit 75%, so that I can say “well I didn’t give it my all, and that’s why it didn’t work out”... because I’m terrified of giving it my all and still failing.  It’s safe to say that I didn’t give it my all because then I can believe that I would have succeeded had I done that.  Whereas the other way, when I fail I actually failed.  I couldn’t do it.  That sucks.  I’ve done that before and I was heart broken for weeks.  So therefore I have an aversion to giving it my all.  I used that experience to reinforce my belief that if I give it my all it won’t affect the outcome anyway.  I want to succeed.  I want to master my goals.  ....

“Failure is the road to mastery”...  so Coach Pete says.  So herein lays another debate I have with myself.  Why am I so afraid to fail?  I’m so afraid that I don’t even take the first step toward risk, if I think I might fail.  Do I think that if I fail, then I am a failure...??  I must.  It’s the only answer I see for myself.

Ok, so here’s the next question I ask myself:  What would I do, if there was no risk of failure?

Oh man..... I’m not completely sure.  I get anxious in deciding because my question doesn’t really trick my brain.  Because I believe that if I answer that question, then I should go do whatever it is I say that I would do and I’m afraid that I might fail, that I might not really want to do that after all... that I might fail myself and change my mind and change my resolve.

This is my thought process and this is crazy town and crazy thoughts.  Frustrating.  Confusing.  Stalls me out.  Keeps me from the cliffs of risk.  Keeps me unhappy.  Maybe I’m addicted to being unhappy and unsuccessful.  Maybe that’s really what’s going on for me...

Gosh, I’m still just confusing myself.

Ok, here’s time for you to respond to this.  Two things I want to know:

1.)  Is there anything that you want me to get after reading my sharing of my heart and confused poor noggin?

2.)  What would you do if there was no risk of failure?  And do you feel free to do it?  Or do you feel pressure to succeed and therefore, avoid doing it, like me?