Wild-haired Mountain Lover meets the OC

Wow, Southen California.  Orange County to be exact.  I’ve gotten to the point that I can no longer say that I’ve “just moved here”.  I’m starting to see the people here as just people; they no longer look as if they belong on my tv screen instead of at my restaurant.  The Ferrari dealership no longer turns my head every time I pass it on my way to work.  Lamborghini’s still look like bat-mobiles, however, I expect to see them every now and again.  This is a long ways from the mountainous Colorado vistas and the fresh air that those forests provide.  Where work tears our clothes for us as opposed to a fashion designer.  Where dirt in your fingernails is valued and the smell of a healthy human body is not frowned upon. 

I’ve changed already, even though I’ve only been here for about 8 months.  The ocean breeze and California sun are my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning now.  I’m learning to hold my head high and keep my chest out.  I’m learning how to brush and style my hair into submission and it actually looks good most of the time.  I’m starting to feel empowered about who I am and that I don’t need to change anything about myself for people to like me.  I like wearing a bikini even though my body has a few more curves than that woman who just ran by with a six-pack and super toned arms and legs.  I like to be nice because I genuinely am and make people wonder what keeps me from being jaded.  And, I’m learning that I have the biggest problem with people who are full of themselves.... who knew?  I thought I loved everyone.  I thought I held a place of openness to anyone who wanted to be in or around my life.  How wrong I was.  I only have an openness for the underdog and the outsider and the humble adventurous types.  But when it comes to someone with too much money or too much religion I harden my mouth and steel my eyes and take my heart into the depths of me not to be abused.  I, in fact, am a little jaded... I’ve just learned to hide it well.

I feel as if I’ve been judged by them and have been found lacking.  I already know that I’m not perfect, as much as I would like to be, and I despise being reminded.  What a stretch this place is for me.  I now see that I also am playing judge and finding people lacking (lacking humility, which could be argued that that’s not a bad thing to judge... but still I am judging)... I don’t want to be someone who judges and deems people as not good enough.  Everyone has their own journeys to travel and everyone has their own lessons to learn.  And not one of us learns the same lessons in the same order as anyone else.  I am thankful for this place in that it has opened my eyes to my own prejudices and has given me a chance to grow my heart bigger to envelop more people.

I am directly choosing to challenge my prejudices by getting involved in a bible study, small group, type thing again.  I am going to go into the thick of my injuries about not measuring up and my goal is to find a place of acceptance for the religious people again.  To find an acceptance of people who may not accept me and who may tell me that I am not following God like I “should” be.  God help me.  I admit I am a little nervous about this idea.  But I feel like God is bringing me to it.  I’ve heard that sometimes in order to heal from something you must re-expose yourself to what wounded you in the first place.  In this case, it’s the “christian church” and here I go, re-exposing myself to it. 

In other news, I am having a hard time connecting with people here.  I feel exhausted here and don’t have the energy to find friends and community.  Sometimes I love hanging out by myself.  It gives me time to paint and read books and watch tv shows and movies.  God knows I have the longest running reading list ever.  But other times I feel very lonely and would love to have a group of people that I feel a part of and feel comfortable around.  Perhaps my church group will help with that eventually as soon as I get over myself and my nervousness.  Or perhaps I should just dive into my aloneness and take this opportunity to paint and create a painting series and see if I can get somewhere to display my artwork... that would make me feel like I accomplished something.

There are days when I can’t wait to leave and I want to pack up my things today... However, I have a lease that I will and must honor.  So I may as well learn to enjoy it here again.  Out of all the places I could be, this one ain’t too bad.

Ha.  As I am writing this I am sitting in the shade of giant umbrella with the sun warming my arms, a fountain playing water Olympics beside me, giant palm trees crowding the sky and birds chirping and scavenging for scraps and crumbs from under the tables.... it ain’t too bad here... it really isn’t.