Please take this burden from me. I don’t want my heart to bleed anymore. I don’t want to dream of being a family
anymore. I don’t want to dream of
having children. I don’t want to
dream of having a lover and husband who will always be there for me. I have watched my heart leap into
reckless hope of a future only to be left sorely wanting. Time and time again I see the men I
love in some other woman’s arms. I
cry and I wonder what’s wrong with me that I can’t captivate him and that we
aren’t meant for each other. And I
will myself to move on by telling my heart that there is someone out there for
me.
I look around me and see so many broken hearts. I look around and see boys and bros and
dudes posing as men. Or maybe it’s
that I see men when I wish to see knights in shining armor. Either way, I don’t want what has been
offered to me. I’ve always wanted
to find someone who will be on my side... someone that I can experience life
with... someone to love and who will love me. But everywhere I look I see brokenness. So many men just up and walk away...
and now that even includes my dad.
My poor mom. She thought
she found love and she thought she found truth and a life partner and ultimately
she was deceived and abandoned.
And I am caught in the wake of being abandoned. I only kept in touch with my dad
through my mom before and now that they are separating what does that leave me
with my relationship with my dad?
It gives me a daddy issue, that’s what. No one wants to deal with daddy issues. What hope does that leave me? What am I setting myself up for? All I want is a man’s chest to
completely rest on and for him to tell me it’s ok to be me and hold me and kiss
the top of my head... a man who loves me for me, not just for my pretty face or
my sex. Maybe that gives rise to
my relationship issues... maybe I’ve never wanted a lover but a dad. Shit, that sucks. I don’t know how to swim through this...
Pleeeeease God!
Give me a new dream. Give
me a loophole. Give me something
to hope for. Give me some reason
to keep on moving forward. I’m
feeling pretty alone and pointless right about now. I realize I have put a lot of weight into being “something”
for someone that I don’t realize my own worth outside of any and all
relationship. I see that. But holy smokes, I don’t know how to
change that. Transform my longing for family into a bigger picture or into a
longing to only be with you.... something. Please replace the pleas of my heart for a man to have and to
hold until death do we part, with something more tangible. I don’t want to risk it anymore. I don’t want my heart to hurt like this
anymore. I’ve never felt such real
pain in my chest before. Please,
God! Have mercy on my heart. My vision is blurry as I write through
my tears as I beg you; give me a new desire. Give me a new dream.
And please let it completely replace my yearning for partnership. Replace my yearning for male attention...
from a father figure or from a lover.
I don’t want it anymore. If
I can’t have it, please take it away.... please. Please don’t be cruel with me. Give me a new dream or take me away from this world so you
can be the one to hold me.
In all emotional sincerity,
Amen
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