Again I gain

Big fish in a small pond

A big fish isn’t so big as the pond grows

And I’m not even a fish!

I'm just this kid standing on a phone booth 

I feel like I’m swimming

In the ocean

And I haven’t gotten the hang of it yet

Wave comes

I’m ready

Jump over

Got this!

I walk into the water further

These waves aren’t that big

Crash!

Where’d that wave come from

Strike!

I am bowled over

All my pins fell over with that one

I stand up on the sand beneath me

And shake myself off

Blow out the bits of water that crawled into my nose

Here comes another wave

I jump and let the water break over my belly

Laughing, I decide to go out into the water a little further

The water feels so good.

It’s so refreshing.
This ocean thing is something that I’m not used to

I needed to mix up my life.

I needed to be refreshed

I needed something new

I’m ready for the challenge of change

Another wave comes

I dive under

I’m in the same place I was just moments before

Now I can’t touch

I dip my nose into the water as my toe reaches for the unreachable sand

Salt water finds the void of my nostrils and rushes in

Salt water in my brain

I move my limbs to bring me above the surface again

Another wave comes

I haven’t snorted the water out of my nose yet

Do I go under or over this one?

Too late

It crashes over me and knocks me sideways

No wonder that little girl was crying when her older brother picked her up and carried her into the waves.

She tried to run back to shore before the wave got her but it was too late

It knocked her over too.

They are big and strong

They demand respect

They are not gentle with you as you learn

They do their thing regardless of whether you can breathe or not

Move or be moved

Use or be used

Another wave comes, I smile

I am determined not to be moved... too much....

The swell doesn’t break where I am

I smile.  Smugly

But the wave behind it crashes unto me before my mouth can fully form my smug smile

Again I am knocked over and spin in the wave

I feel like a shirt in the washer machine

I watch myself tumble until I am disoriented and full of sand

I barely have my wits about me

And another wave comes

This time I’m determined to use this wave

I start swimming as the wave breaks and it takes me to shore

Sand everywhere

In my swimsuit

I stand up and my girls are about to pop out of my bikini top

But at least now I can snort the water out of my nose and shake it out of my ears

I fix my suit and shake the sand and water off

My back is to the ocean

Another wave, bigger than I think it should be, hits the back of my knees

As if to say “you gotta watch your back out here, girl!”

I stumble forward a few steps

My eyes are burning from salt water

Is it tears or ocean?

Either way, I think I need to sleep

I spread out my towel over the sand and lay down

I drift into sleep

Ocean wave and children giggle lullaby

Sun blanket

Sand mattress

Arm pillow

I sleep for a while and then turn over

It’s a good thing I remembered to put on sunscreen

I do have a brain and I do know how to use it sometimes

Refreshed by sleep and vitamin D

I stand up and look at the waves again

Time to dive back in?

What is my goal?

Do I want to swim or just get wet to cool off?

Do I want to play with the waves or go out beyond them?

Do I want to find a surfboard and ride them?

Do I want to let the wave play at my feet where I am bigger than them?

These things are good to know.

What do I want?

Or do I want to just sit on the beach and read a book or sketch a picture?

I think I’ll do that.

For a while

Then I’ll get back in the water when I have the energy to deal with the waves and the purpose to play with the waves, whichever I decide.

I move my towel under an umbrella

And pull out my book and settle in to read

But instead I set my pencils next to me and decide to draw a picture of my new world

It’s really quite beautiful

It’s painful, yes.

It’s hard, yes.

It’s new and I don’t know what I’m doing... yet, yes.

But really out on the horizon, the blue water

Dancing with the golden rays of the sun

And closer to me, the white water laughing and bubbling high into the air

Just to crash back down into a whirl of giggling happy children

Seagulls squawk and bounce down the beach looking for food

Sandcastles tumble into the sea

And the colors!

At sunset

Pinks, Purples, Oranges, Yellows,

Blues, Whites and Greens in the water

Blues and Whites in the sky

Golds in the sunshine and sand

All Splashed with the hues of humanity.

It’s beautiful

And yet I cry because it’s hard

And yet I shake because I’m nervous

And yet I have a headache because I’m so stressed.

However, Also:

I cry because it’s beautiful

I shake because I’m excited

I have a headache because I laughed too hard

Take a breath

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try, again and again.

And again

Yet again

Again

A gain

Another gain

Again

A gain

Again I gain.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Santa Monica Pier at night