Funny, I grew up in the church. I know all the right answers and all the right words to use
when having a conversation or discussion with someone who calls them selves a
Christian. But I went to church
this morning and I was so uncomfortable.
There is so much grace and acceptance for someone outside
the church, someone who doesn’t know the rules. In fact people in the church are excited to have people like
that around. It makes them feel
good to be able to “witness” to them and see them decide to go to church and
love God too. But, oh goodness,
you better watch out if you were once in the church and are knowingly making
decisions that go against the church’s doctrine. I know because I’ve been there. I told a really good friend that I disagreed with her life
decisions and stepped back from our relationship and hurt one of the best
relationships that ever happened to me.
Karma came around quick though and now I am on the side of
disapproval. I have been told that
I am not living right and they will pray for me and then they stop hanging out
with me. They don’t want anything
to do with me if I am not living my life the way they think I should or the way
they want to live their life.
And we used to be good friends.
I guess I am a bad influence or a threat. I’m a heathen?
I’m... scary?? I don’t know
really what it is in my case. But
I do know if I met my 16 year-old self as I am at 25 I would call myself a
witch and I would tell myself I would pray for me and would be scared to hang
out with me too. I could come up
with all sorts of reasons as to why that’s the right thing for me to do. But let me also tell you that it
doesn’t feel very loving. There’s
this bible verse that goes “...and they shall know you by your love for others...”
I have a long and complicated history with the church and with
God. It’s a story for another
time. I will write it soon though
and you will better understand.
However, I am absolutely in love with God. I live my life following Holy(Great) Spirit to the best of
my ability and I talk with Spirit all the time. I know I have a great relationship with him (I use him
because that’s what I’m used to not because God is or ever can be limited to a
gender) and thank god for that! I
don’t know what would become of me if it wasn’t for God. I follow him wherever he leads me, even
to church. I am terrified to go to
church sometimes, especially the little church where I went to youth group
growing up. I think that they will
treat me the way I would’ve treated myself 10 years ago.
Anyway, I went to church today and I was sitting there
thinking that I want to be a conduit of love towards everyone. I want God to work through me wherever
and however he wants. I am
practicing healing and I am honing my skills to be more and more a conduit of
HIS skills, by taking away judgments and fear and getting myself out of the
way. As I was being taken by fear
of being in church I was reminding myself that I want to love everyone, even
the people groups that reject me. (ha what a victim's mentality I have, I should also say the people group I rejected)
As I was thinking this the pastor said the verse in John (13:15) “By
this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one for
another.” I almost laughed out
loud.
My goal is to love everyone! I thought I was doing well, until today at church when I realized
how closed off I became around those people. I find it easy to love the “partygoers” and the “sluts” and
the “gays” and the “drug addicts” and the “hippies” or whatever label you want
to put on someone. They are really
sweet and lovely people (most times lol).
What I have trouble doing is loving the religious. The religious of any group... the ones
that don’t love me back because I do life differently. But I know that it will be healing for
me. I have a lot of feelings of
betrayal and hurt when it comes to my “friends” that were Christians. So this journey is one I want to go on
despite my fears.
What does that look like? I’m not quite sure, but it starts within me. It starts with my being around
Christians without fear.
This recently came to my attention and I wanted to add it.
I saw you come in and promptly escape before the service had ended. I can relate big time! It's hard being in a place that can be so critical of one's life choices. I just try to be myself and express love in hopes that people see the light in me. Those who have seen my light never seem to forget me. So ask yourself.... Who has truly seen your light? I for one have seen it in you.
ReplyDelete