I am fucking sick and tired of trying to be healthy and improve my self. No matter what I do, I never have the energy that I used to before ...whatever the fuck happened to me or I did to myself (whatever perspective you decide to take) my senior year of high school. I had so much energy! And now all the sudden I want am not happy unless I get at least 9 hours of sleep a night, I would rather have 12 though. Holy Shit!! How in the world am I supposed to get anything done when all I want to do is SLEEP!???!?! I'm so frustrated! I'm so frustrated that I'm crying right now....
I slept from about 10 - 6 this morning which should be awesome and I went to work at the ski resort that I usually love to be at and had no energy. In fact, my whole body is freaking out. My pelvic girdle hurts, my lower back hurts and when I was on my board my knee just decided to get out of whack for god know why. I can't straighten it now without some pretty intense pain. When I got home I slept for another 2 hours got up to eat some dinner and watch a movie by myself and all I want to do is go back to bed. Food doesn't taste good. I eat because I'm hungry and need energy and I stop eating because I usually start to feel nauseous. Tonight I only ate cream of rice and thank god! I didn't feel nauseous afterwords. I don't want to ride my snowboard or my bike which usually makes me happy. I don't want to live in Paonia but I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to hide in the stories in my books, and when I don't have energy for that then I want to watch a movie and when I don't have energy for that then I want to sleep.
I'm supposed to be studying "healing diets". I am supposed to do a fast. I can't even make it one day on a fast "preparation!!" diet because I loose all my energy and therefore can't even function to do my daily work. FUCK!
Holy shit! I'm like a walking zombie. I don't like anything! What the hell is wrong with me!?
What's the point of living healthy if I fucking don't want to live anymore? Quality of life? I don't think so! It's only quantity of life. Do I really want to find the fountain of youth if it steals my joy for living? God sometimes eating a greasy hamburger and fries and drinking a cherry limeade is all I want to do. But that's not "healthy" our bodies don't do well when we eat meats and sugars and not to mention dairy.
Maybe it's not healthy living, maybe I think I'm being healthy by following the rules and I really am not? Maybe I'm not really following god and I'm following satan and that's why my energy is gone? Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of me (lol)? Maybe this, maybe that, maybe, maybe maybe.... I'm really sick of trying to figure out what it is!
So it's all in my mind. So it's all in how I perceive things... so I have a choice and can live my life differently. Well, I'm trying. I've been trying for a long time. Let's see how long ago was senior year? 8 years ago. I've been trying for 8 years. Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I can't shake it. I usually just ignore it. But somedays like today I just can't ignore it. It's too powerful and I don't know what to do. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy what I'm doing, I want to love people, I want to be engaged and I do all that really quite genuinely.... until I just can't anymore. I can't seem to keep a handle on enjoying my life, so then I fake it for a while. Because how do I talk about what's going on? I just hate everything. why, you ask? PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN I KNOW WHY!!???! then I could tell you why, then maybe even I could work to fix it.
Guess I just need to accept defeat and death of a dream to have my vitality back. Accept that I have a very active pain body and that I need to sleep 12 hours a night and find a way that I can hopefully support myself knowing that I don't have energy for any extended amount of work.
God. I hate this. There has to be a way to stop this stupid cycle. But all I do is bitch and moan and then I sleep for ever and get into the bright side of the cycle and enjoy that until it ends again. Here's to a stupid fucking cycle that is going to be the death of me.
I HEAR you, Erica. I love you, in sickness and in health; in love and in despair. I'll be in touch.
ReplyDeleteHi Erica, I was just reading over Marian's shoulder and saw your blog. Made me sit up and pay attention. I've always appreciated you and I appreciate seeing this side of you as well. And it sounds like life sucks sometimes. If you ever want an ear that's a little removed from your every day life and confidential, I'd be flattered. Until then, here's to hamburgers and milkshakes.
ReplyDeleteThank you guys for hearing me and caring <3
ReplyDeleteOh my god! I have soooo been there! This sounds like the language I was using when I was 20 and had been a raw vegan for three years and a vegan for four. I had extreme fatigue, my hair was coming out of my head by the handful and my eyes were yellowing. I fasted and took supplements and listened to a lot of "nutrition counselors" tell me that I wasn't doing vegan right. After some coaxing from my boyfriend I finally drank a giant milkshake made of raw local goat milk and my body shuddered with joy and I had three more. I quite my job at The Tree of Life (raw food center in AZ) and I ate my first piece of beef a year later and it was like my brain immediately started working again. I had absolutely zero problems adjusting to a meat eating lifestyle. In fact, my digestion improved by about thousand. I haven't looked back since. Dairy, meat and sugar all saved my life. Talk about your experience and search for others that share it. It can be so empowering in the face of an aggressive psuedo-science-food-dogma culture.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that this whole food craze is awesome (or at the very least intriguing) and other times I think it's full of s**t. lol Either way, what a journey. I'm starting to develop my own ideas of what is "good"... maybe I'll write about that soon.... in a less "rant" style. Meat is something that some people really truly need and it's stupid to say that you aren't healthy when you eat it. Your story is just such an example.
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